The Grinder

Convicted

Before, I thought that was a fun word. People would say, “I was convicted by the Holy Spirit,” or “That really convicted me.” And while these experiences are powerful…I hesitate to say they’re ‘fun.’

Because I’m changing. By the day. By the hour, it seems.

I haven’t been graceful. I haven’t been loving. For the better part of my young adulthood, I let my stubbornness and will take over. I rejected the help of others. While I’ve figured out how to live relatively independently -- and because of this, many things are ‘easier’ without assistance; I’ve become innovative in my years! – this ‘blessing’ doesn’t give me permission to be ungraceful.

The frightening fact is that I may have the responsibility to have more grace, be more loving. This is daunting.

My iron will, my ‘identity’ – or so I thought – is slowly being grinded down, made into a different shape. Like something we have that can get annoying, but to give it up seems unimaginable.

And, I don’t know what the Grinder is shaping, because I surely am not doing the grinding. I’ve watched my dad do this. Besides the likelihood of cutting an arm off, the finished product would be utterly useless!

All I know is this – I didn’t realize how much energy I was expending on my false identity. Now that I know how freeing it is to break free from that, I hope the Grinder keeps working.

Because although it’s a difficult, confusing, sometimes painful process, I don’t want to go back.