Happy New Year! I was reminiscing with one of my friends tonight about where we were a decade ago. She turned to her hubby and asked, "Is it weird that she(me) remembers that?"

I piped in and said, "No! We were all psyched about Y2K!" (I just think my friend admires my very good memory) :)

So, this is 2010. I hit a little bunny rabbit on the way home - what a way to begin the year, huh?

I've been thinking alot these past 2 days. I'm kind of ticked at myself. I just spent a week with my family. My biggest fans. The ones who have loved me more then any human beings ever will. The people I love more then anything.

I thought this time would be different. This time I'd be able to shut my mind off and just bask in the love they have for me, and I have for them.

Before this Christmas Season even began, I even realized that my self worth had nothing to do what I have, or even don’t have. So I figured I was good to go!

These two lists, the “have,” and “don’t have,” lists…. Why do I continue to measure myself by these? Especially when I claim to be a changed person? I can still say wholeheartedly that I’ve come to a fuller understanding of the conviction with which my parents raised us kids.

So, why can’t I live like that?

Why do I continually act like I don’t know what I KNOW to be true?

A friend gave me some good advice as to why I act like a knuckle head(those are my words) around family. Apparently, this is an age old struggle for people.

However, that’s not all that comforting. Well, it is, but I’d rather hear that there’s a cure for this.

Well, until next time. I got to get some sleep………….

I Know Nothing. . .

and I've never been more at peace.

I don't know why my baby nephew, an otherwise content baby, was restless this evening - I hope he gets some good rest tonight.

I'm not so sure if we're going to make it to our Christmas gathering tomorrow - the storm is getting worse.

I'm not sure why I chose to go sledding behind to 4-wheeler today - FUN but COLD and bumpy!

I'm not even sure how I'll feel tomorrow.

However, this I do know

I'm changed.
Because I believe that a baby came to earth. For me.
And I'm safe for eternity

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I really hope these 7 little kids aren't as stubborn as their Auntie Kels.

Before they hit 27, I hope they realize:

- that worrying about everything really IS fruitless

- that putting on a facade really ISN'T the reason they are/will be loved.

- that by constantly focusing on the future, they'll miss the present - and regret it.

- God has given them THEIR OWN RACE TO RUN. Comparing and even asking questions is pointless.

- that this Jesus, who came so long ago, is real. That it doesn't make sense, but He came. For them.

Merry Christmas, little ones.

Love,
your Auntie

Thoughts

I’m so tired right now, I could fall over. I should be in bed.

But, I’m full. Full of thoughts and ideas, full of gratitude, full of hope. I wrote, “I’ve never experienced as many emotions as I have in the last month…Christmas has a new meaning this year.”

This thing I don’t get – that the Creator of the world came to rescue us. I don’t get it.

I just realized recently how tiny we are. Earth is like a dot – A DOT – on the canvas of God’s creation. I don’t know what that makes me but I do know it makes me SMALL.

For the first time I honestly think, “Is God really still watching over me?” I’ve been such a putz; I’ve messed up.

You know, before my eyes were opened, I always kind of figured I was on God’s top 10 – ok, at least top 1 million – because He allowed me to have CP. And, I wasn’t, like horrible…… I did pretty well in life. For the most part. (This is embarrassing to confess! –Maybe only 2 people will read this! )

Wow. I don’t know what I was thinking. Apparently, I wasn’t.

Someone said awhile back something like, “The more we understand about God’s grace, the more we realize our need for it.”

I seem to be saying this a lot lately,… But, I think Inow know what that means. And it’s terrifyingly astounding.

I’m terrified because the irrational part of me – yes, there is one – thinks I may have missed the boat. God gave up on me. He has 6 billion other people to deal with, and I was a putz long enough! And still am!

Then the sane me emerges – which is more frequent these days. I kinda like it – and so does everyone else! I remember what I’ve been taught from childhood, and think about what I know to be true.

This God, who created everything hasn’t left me, nor will ever leave me. Not because of anything I did, or will do, either. But, because He says He won’t.

So, this puts a whole new meaning to Christmas. I am more at peace then I’ve had in a long while. God has allowed this stubborn, pug-headed girl to let go of this world. I have a pretty strong grip, too. Ask me to shake hands sometime!

How long will we have to wait?! I’m ready to go!!

Never More Sure

I was annoyed last night. A friend and I watched the movie, “My Sister’s Keeper.” It’s the movie about a family whose eldest child developed leukemia, and the only hope of survival for her would be a donor that matched.

No one in the family was a match, so they’d have to wait for a donor that would be a match – unless the parents had another child. A genetically altered child.

The movie begins with the youngest child, Anna, the one brought into this world to save her big sister’s life. Anna explains how we as human beings come to be. Most of us are here by chance, she says.

Our spirits meet up with our bodies when two people – our parents, obviously -- havve sex. According to Anna, is generally a happenstance thing; usually the result of a one night stand. If, the two people actually do love one another, and do have sex, Anna still thinks most pregnancies develop out of failed birth control.

In 11 years of her young life, Anna – through her parents – did everything, from donating blood cells to bone marrow, to save her sister, Kate. However, Kate, eventually dies. The leukemia takes over, and she dies.

“Amazing Grace” is played at her funeral.

I’m not naive. I realize the song is used as a token song in nearly every movie where there’s a funeral. I get it. And it didn’t get to me until I heard the song used last night in that movie.

I think I know why, too. I was like Anna. Well, ok, not unbelieving; I always believed. I believed in a God that loved me. I knew that much. I believed in Jesus, too. Of course. Jesus died for me. I always knew that.

But, it’s different now. I didn’t, and still don’t, fully grasp the fact that God, the creator of everything, came to save this world….to save me. The more I try and comprehend it, the more mind-boggling it is.

I don’t get it. I struggle to accept this, as I do almost everything – good and bad – in my life. Oh, but I’ve never been more confident of anything, Unfortunately, though, that doesn’t cancel out the struggle.

So, then, I guess “Amazing Grace” – if it really ever was - is not a token song for me anymore.

Why God?

Why am I so broken, so dumb.............so human? 6 months ago, I asked the question, "Why God?" Actually, it was more of a passing thought, as I stuggled to get through each day. You, see, I wasn't in daily communication with my Lord. He was always there, of course, but I was so blinded to my own sorrow, my self-pity, and my anger.

I couldn't bring myself to do the work of daily giving myself over to my Savior. I think I was scared. What if I failed? What if surrender was to big a challenge for me? When I decide to do something, there's no stopping me. But this, if I couldn't do this surrender thing, it'd be all over.

Well, the good news is that I've decided to give this a try, this surrender thing. It has been hard - sometimes painful - work. The bad news is I can't do it... That is without Jesus right there every step of the way.

So, here, in the early hours of Thanksgiving Day, I am asking myself, again, "Why God?" Why are you choosing to bless me so abundantly? Why are You so willing to show Your mercy, grace, and peace to me? I couldn't even boldly cry out to you in the darkness.

And I hear Jesus saying, "Because, my little girl, I love you."

Take My World Apart

I wrote this last week.......and I was going to edit it before putting it on my blog. My writing mentor says the art of writing is not saying too much of too little. And, for me balance is difficult fo me, in more ways then one! However, I'm not sure what I'll change. I know I oought to, but for now, this is it. . . . Like life, the next step to the editing proccess, is unknown to me.

11.19





Jars of Clay is probably in the top 5 of my favorite bands. Their first album is my favorite of all time. So, I searched for three songs included in that particular album. Anyway, I searched for the ‘official’ Jars of Clay music video. However, I couldn’t find it. Maybe the group didn’t make on for this particular song. Or, again, it’s a sign of my YouTube illiteracy.

So, I chose to download someone’s home made video of the song. This was early in the morning, 2am. I have the slow version of cable internet – someone just explained the different speeds to me, again, and I can’t keep that straight. Astounding! I’m known for remembering details upon details. Many of them useless. –

I went to bed. This morning, the thing was downloaded, ready for my sleepy eyes to view. The video was a PowerPoint with the lyrics. Ok. Not an actual music video, but I’ll be able to read the lyrics again. Pretty good.

I knew what the song was about. “Worlds Apart.” Not to difficult to infer the meaning, just by the title. And, I claim the album as my favorite album in my 27 years of life. I ought to know, huh?

I don’t know. I’m 27, for goodness sake. And I was reminded of this fact as I stared at the lyrics. Wow. I had no idea the meaning of these words. And, frighteningly, I still don’t. I’d love to think my world has been ‘taken apart’ for the last time. But, I think that would mean Jesus would come take me home, which would be great. Bur, I’m pretty sure I’m not done here yet.

I’m going to go look up Icarus. Who is he?!

I was frustrated with myself on Saturday night. I went to the movie, “This is it.” For anyone who’s been living under a rock, it’s the movie about Michael Jackson. I was working that night, and my residents chose the movie, so I followed. Movies are always hit and miss when taking residents. Sometimes we’re in the midst of an audience of youngins’ and their parents, and sometimes the audience is made up of adults. Never know.

Anyway, I was secretly looking forward to seeing, “This is It.” I probably wouldn’t have gone outside of work; I wasn’t a fan of Michael. Admittedly, I’m one of those who know more about him now that he’s dead.

So I walk in to the theater to find an array of ages in the audience. A middle-aged couple with their popcorn, quietly visiting, waiting for the movie to start. A couple of 20-somethings, sitting in silence. And then there were two prepubescent kids, giggling and messing around with their Smartphones. I made my way up the steps. As I do this, those two stop what they’re doing, and follow me with their eyes, and giggle. Ok, fine. I know this happens everywhere I go. That’s ok. These two were rather obvious about their curiosity, but whatever. I find my seat, and they go back to the ever-pressing matters on their phones. Done.

But, no, these kids turn around during the movie, - perhaps to make sure I haven’t escaped unnoticeably, which wouldn’t happen, anyway- and giggle. I find myself glaring at them, as if I were an authority figure, telling them to turn around and watch the movie they’ve probably seen 5 times already.

The movie ends, the credits role, and my residents file out. Except, along with the credits, this movie continues to play little snippets. By then, my residents are out the door, and I am in the process of standing up. These two kids whip their heads back, and wait for the moment. I sit back down, they turn away. I begin standing, and just like that, 4 eyes are glued to me.

Seriously, these two are being a little ridiculous. Seriously, I’m being more ridiculous! Get going, I think to myself. By this time, the snippets are over, and the two proceed to the exit, all the awhile glancing back at me. I again glare – as if that fazes them. But now, I add a head gesture. Go! I want to scream. I probably looked even sillier to them with my glares and my head gesture. We finally go our separate ways, a long awaited good-bye. They probably got picked up by their mom, while I drove my resident home.

Pretty good movie, though!

Update

Physical Therapy is going really well! My PT says I actully do better with crutches! We contemplated for 2 weeks now, and I think we have a good handel on things. Today, I think I finally got the feel of holding my crutches in more - - it clicked. Now, I'm not quite so wide! I won't take anyone out! I thought I could get away with using one crutch, but that's doing crazy things with my back and neck. I favor one side more, appearently. I'm feeling so uneducated about my body! I don't notice stuff like that until my PT points it out. Wierd. I live in this thing, I should know a thing or two! And, I'm getting impatient already. It takes like .6 seconds longer to put those things in my car and open doors. However, the abililty to enjoy walking farrrrrrrrrrrr outweighs the extra time it takes. So, yes, I'll get over it!

Last week, a little girl, probably about 6, was at PT the same time I was. She so reminded me of myself at that age. She was walking with a walker, making a lap around the rehab section. I suppose it took her 20 minutes to make that trek. Took me right back to my days of putting one foot in front of the other, very slowly. That required much patience - ecspecially on the days I was in a bad mood - usually when mom dressed me in something 'ugly.' I liked my fashion! I wanna tell her it's ok, it'll be fine. Maybe someday, I'll have the opportunity...

I'd Rather Have Teeth Pulled

A Past Look with a Future Hope
Yesterday, I met up with a good friend of mine. It was just after lunch, and I asked her if I could stop by her office. She started a new job this fall, and I was curious to how she liked it. She had a few minutes before having to head out to a school, so we chatted for a bit. I've known where her office is from the time she started a few months ago, but not until I walked through the heavy brown doors, did I realize the impact going there would have on me. The linoleum just inside the main entrance was the same - off white with light yellow throughout. Going a bit further, I realized the hall had been recarpeted with brown carpet - not appearing new, but different from the yellow stuff that once lined that hallway. And, if I really paid attention, I'm almost positive that same smell was in the air. My friend's office was just a few doors down on the left. I was eager to get into the small room, as I didn't have any particular odd attachment there. Once we entered her office, I was closer to being in my 'own' element again. I took a deep breath. I asked her about the job. What she enjoyed about it, and if there where things she needed to get familiarized with yet. It was interesting to hear of her daily routine. She then asked if anything was new with me. Basically, I said nothing was new, and yet everything was new. We joked around for a few minutes (all good visits have a tinge of that!), and I was on my way again. As we exited her office, I turned right instead of left, where I came from. "Hey, is there still a whirlpool in this room?" "What?" she replied. By then I was peering through the window of the next door down - the same heavy brown door that was there years ago (Don't fret, no one was in there; the room was pitch black:)) I proceeded to explain that there was once a whirlpool in there - I could see the linoleum that it was on, so obviously there was no whirlpool there anymore. "Oh really," she replied, probably either interested in what I was saying, or thinking I was a nut! (Maybe both! You know I love you, D!) "Yep, there was," I said. "Well, I'll see ya later." I turned to head to my car. My friend said good-bye and went into the supply room. I again took the 30 second walk into the past, down the hallway, and through those doors. 24 years ago. Taking that little stroll brought me back there in an instant. Ok, 24 years ago, I was 3, but that's when I began 'walking' that hallway. That's when I began 'swimming' in that whirlpool, and swinging on my tummy in a sort of hammock (I dispised that activity!). I rode my fist bike down that hallway. My feet were strapped to the peddles with Velcro to keep them from flying all over.

My oh my. Going back like that is a strange, strange feeling. It fills me with all kinds of emotions. Gratefulness because I know I had wonderful people who helped me get on my feet (literally! HEHE). Gratitude that mom and dad were there every step (ok, I’m not trying to be puny anymore :)) of the way. Relief that I'm this far. Anger that my parents and sibs had to deal with this, that we weren't 'normal.'

But, most of all, peace. Peace that I know now that it was, and is, all in God's timing. Whatever happened, is happening, or will happen in our lives is all a part of His good and perfect plan. If you're thinking that I am excited about all the events that have happened or will happen in my life, stop yourself (wait, actually keep going :)). I'm not. Would I rather not have this unique attachment to the old AEA 4 building? Absolutely. (I'm pretty sentimental - perhaps too sentimental - , but I could've stood to give this one up! I just wanted to see where my friend spent her days!) I am exited, however, to know this truth:

Future Glory

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

More Than Conquerors

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:18-39

Ok, so I I'd probably chose a 30 second walk over having teeth pulled, but there both uncomfortable. :P

Wanna take a walk?

October 26. 2009-10-26
Wow, it's been a busy week! That's good, though; I like being busy. And, I am excited about walking, hence the title. A bit of background would prove helpful here. A couple weeks ago, I went to my sister's in BC for the baptism of their fourth child. With every new birth in our family, the miracle of life and the faithfulness of God become more real to me. We had a great time.... Anyway, Amy told me to take my crutches along in case we'd go to Mt. Baker. Well, as always, I was scrambling to get things ready to go the night before, and I remembered the instruction from Amy about taking my crutches along. Ugh. Not wanting to disappoint my big sis, I conceded to the idea. They couldn't hurt, and Amy would be impressed at my obedience:) So, I dusted the cob-webs off my two companions that I've used probably 4 times in the past decade, and placed them by the door for the early departure in the morning.
Sleepy and not-so-chipper, I awaited my mom and dad's 4am pick-up. Dad was a bit surprised when he came to my door to see my suitcase and crutches waiting for transport. "Can you take the screws out of these and put them in your bag (it was a large bag, one of those with wheels) till we get to BC?" I asked. Turns out, the wing nuts(I think they're called) were missing from the screws(or something; hey, I'm not mechanically inclined. ;p ) Basically, they were going to be a bugger to take apart. So, I figured I had a couple options, A) carry them B) use them! I'd probably look absolutely ridiculous carrying something I should use, so I chose B. The rest is history.............they really did help! Imagine that, now!

In all seriousness, I feel like a new person. From walking in the airports to getting through a mile-long corn maze, the difference was amazing. Not to be overly dramatic, but I compared myself to my newborn nephew, who loves to look at everything. For the first time in quite a while, I could look around as I walked. The corn maze was so much fun; corn is tall! :) I could help with the navigation (not that I am any good) instead of merely trying to get through it. (I'm recalling my brother-in-law trying to pull a fast one on me at one of the posts...and I fell for it! A moment of weakness, I guess!) I found myself laughing and engaging with those around me. I went walking with the girls, and enjoyed my nieces feed the goats and the cows. I enjoyed walking the mall(something the women of our family do best)! Thanks, mom, for the clothes. :) I carved a pumpkin with my nephew. Amazing feeling.

So I became convinced that these were/are a nessecity for me. I asked my dad if he realized how good these were for me, and, if so, why not tell me? Ever so calmly he said he indeed knew how much they helped. He took the opportunity(being his opportunistic self) to remind me that he'd been telling me this for the last 12 years, and that I was too stubborn to listen. I'm an all-star when it comes to arguing, but I had nothing to say. He was right!
I made a decision. When I returned home, I was going to make the arrangements to get fitted for new churches. That brought me to a week ago; my appointment with a physical therapist. After our introductions and the required paperwork were completed, we got down to business. The PT did some strength testing and questioning me on my pain level; all that stuff. OK, great, we got that out of the way. "Now let me see you walk with your crutches," she says. Yea, I think. Now were really getting down to business. I was excited to begin the process of getting fitted for a new pair. I wasn't even 5 feet into my walk when I heard the PT say, "Kelly, I'm afraid you're going to take someone out with those things! Stop!" She explained that, because of the spasticity in my arms, thus creating irregular movements, I was too unstable with the crutches. Great. Here we go. I had forgotten why physical therapy was less then appealing to me.........now I remembered(and I told her that!). Ok, I thought, I know all this stuff; I have arms that go everywhere. I'm a spaz - literally! But, I've had crutches from 1st grade(pink ones, to be exact) up until the start of my freshman year of high school, when I figured I was entirely to cool for these menaces! It's not like I was trying crutches for the first time in my life.
And then the shocker............"I really think you need a walker," said the PT to the very stubborn KVP. Even if I had amnesia, I'd be convinced that we had never met before. Really, this PT was extremely kind and personable; I really do like her. Just not what she was saying.
"What?!" I said in disbelief. "Are you serious?" She proceeded to give her take on things. Basically, she explained the crutches as being extensions of my arms. Whatever my arms do, the crutches follow suit. That's not good for the people who my cross paths with me - our paths wouldn't cross, but collide. And I'd get the ticket! I - and the people that knew me with crutches -knew this, too, but I guess we just made it work. It was kind of like the white elephant in the room, except it was the wooden crutch!
The PT also reminded me that I was wearing my knees and hips out by walking the way I do. One of my best, oldest(in terms of relationships) friends endearingly calls me cinder block feet. Let's just say sneaking up on people isn't one of my talents! I swing my left hip out when I walk; and I don't do it to get a guy's attention(although that'd be nice)!
"So, what are you saying?" I said, knowing full well the answer, but just being me. She had me try a walker. They didn't have one of the new models there at the time, so I tried an older one - the kind used more for support, rather then mobility. She put a belt around me(another indication she had just met me:)), and away we went. Pleasantly walking along. We did a few laps and we assessed the situation.
Meanwhile, the PT assistant was already on the phone to the Home Health Supplier in Sioux Center ordering a new model walker to be delivered for me to try at my next appt.
"Blue or Red?" she asked me.
"Invisible," I replied.
The PT pointed out that I was actually taller when I was using the walker because I was standing really straight. I wasn't stamping down on my knee so hard, and with practice, I'd be able to control that hip a little. Both the PT and the assistant said I actually appear less obvious with a walker then with crutches.
That was all the time we had for that day. Obviously, I didn't scare this poor PT too much. We scheduled another appointment for Thursday.
I spent the next couple of days processing this all. Going from using my crutches only a handful to times in the past 12 years, and then agreeing to take them along on my BC trip, to learning that the best option for me may be a walker. I began to think back on those 12 years, and all the experience they've brought with them. I can still picture the cloudy sky on the first day of freshman year. I was standing outside in my favorite shirt then - a gray t-shirt from the Gap - and my 'cool' Buckle jean shorts. I was waiting, with my backpack in hand, and my crutches. I remember how cumbersome those things were on the bus. I remember the bus driver greeting me with a smile, and offering help. I remember who I sat by as well; a great friend to this day. I then recalled the process of getting 'free" of the crutches; 100% stubbornness on my part. And everything following that. The "normal' high school stuff, the experiences, the trips, the complicated simplicity of it all. College, dreams, and struggles. Life happened in those 12 years.
Thursday came. and the new walker was there waiting, still in the plastic. It was red. I had asked a close friend if she wanted to come to my appt. She said she would. I wanted her opinion. She arrived just in time to see me rev up the walker and take off. Only I didn't take off as planned. I swiveled! The new walkers have nice big wheels, allowing for high speeds! The wheels also swivel. Swivel wheels and spastic CP don't mix apparently! It didn't work! But, not to worry, though! The PT turned the walker around(Just to experiment) and had me try pushing it backwards. That worked better as the back wheels were locked. She was, however, afraid I was going to hurt myself as my knees slightly bumped the front bar(I was trying this backwards for now, remember). Yet another indicator that we've only met twice! The least of my worries was slightly bumping my knees for the time being. (But, yes, I did understand her concern.) The experiment worked. We concluded that a walker with locked wheels would indeed work. However, I wanted to give my friend an accurate picture of how I walked with a walker. The PT got out the older model and we took a few laps. I asked my friend to watch. "How do I look?" I asked. Her opinion was similar to the PT's and the assistant's. I do look less obvious and more controlled. I did point out that her 2 yr old son would probably love sitting on the seat(the new ones have seats.). She agreed, saying that people would be looking at the cute kid instead of me! That was a good thought!
This is perhaps a good time to inform you that the PT I'd grown so fond of(I'm sure the feeling was mutual:)) in 1.5 hours of knowing her, was a fill-in from Sioux Falls. The drama of it all - I know! :) So, this was the perfect time to let her know I wanted to go see the PT I saw when I was in school (I thought this PT had still worked for AREA 4. But found out through a friend she was in OC.) In all seriousness, I didn't like doing that because I trusted this person's judgment as well. I did, however, want my previous PT's opinion. The assistant, who actually knew who I was referring to, graciously understood. I asked if they could touch base on what we done in the past week. She said they could fax the report over. I was very appreciative. (Confused yet? Great!). I'm probably one of those patients who drive the medical professionals crazy! Ugh. Sorry:(
That brings me to this past Friday, the last weekday and my last appt. of the week. I'm not fond of sitting around in doctor's offices/hospitals, but I didn't care on Friday. I was so excited to see her! We caught up on each other's lives as she was looking me over. I kept saying, "You’re going to yell at me. I'm in bad shape!" Well, she didn't yell. She was always nice, though! So, we looked at the report together, and discussed what's our best options are. And that's were I'm at. discussing(No, I'm not sitting here talking to myself. :P) I'm thinking, I'm writing, and asking.
What do I think? What do I not think? (Thinking is a hobby for me. Can't decide if that's good or bad!) I agree. With everything. Meeting me walking with crutches in hand is like dodging a bullet! Maybe I'm like Moses, parting the red sea. A walker gives me a ton of stability/support, making it so much more pleasant to walk. (When I asked the SF PT if I could get that stable with crutches, she thought not, because of the spasticity and tone in me. I'm a spaz with bad tone! ) I enjoy looking up when I walk, instead of looking at shoes that are worn out in the toe because I drag them. Maybe if I get really good, I can get shoes that look good beyond two days of wearing them! Then I'll want to stare at my shoes:) I love being able to talk while I walk. Another dear friend of mine acts as if she needs to perform CPR on me every time we walk somewhere beyond 10 feet! It's not so real to me yet, but I'm realizing that I probably am wearing out my knees and hips. I don't feel like having those replaced anytime soon. Perhaps I don't need a wheelchair when I go in trips if I use a walker. I owe my incredibly precious cuz for so much, including all those wheelchair rides. I think of the countless people who've given me the 'chicken wings' (arms) to hold on to. Probably the biggest reason I am taking this decision so heavily is that I've felt better in the past 5 months or so then I have in a long while. And this 'new' old discovery has only made everything brighter.
Isn't that kinda like life? We're so eager to get rid of the things that 'weigh' us down. At least I am. A year ago, even, I would've never entertained the idea of a walker, much less write about it! However, this is teaching me that I need to be a bit more realistic. And while this is quite a breakthrough for me, I still have a lonnnnnng way to go. I'm reminded of my dad's response to my excitement of my discorvery: "Well, I've always wondered why you thought you needed to quite using them." Or my big sis, who encouraged me to take them. And mom, whose been right there, even when I did everything to push her away.
I'm humbled by the people in my life who've accepted me for who I am. Even before I accepted me for me. What's that saying...........something about no one can accept you for you until you accept you for you. Well, I apologize to whoever came up with that quote(and for not quoting it correctly........I'll find it), but at 4am I'm going to have to disagree. I don't think I accepted myself until just recently. In fact, I feel like a big fat imposter for those people who thought/think I was something worth admiring. Because, really, none of us are worth anything without the Grace and Love of Jesus Christ. That's it.
The song, “Grace Like Rain” is playing right now. I sat and just listened to the words.
Grace Like Rain – Todd Agnew
Amazing grace, how sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like meI once was lost but now I'm foundWas blind but now I see so clearly
Chorus:Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on meHallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fearAnd grace my fears relievedHow precious did that grace appearThe hour I first believed
Chorus
When we've been there ten thousand yearsBright shining as the sunWe've no less days to sing Your praiseThan when we first begun

Wow, that totally turned out different then I expected!
Life’s a journey!

Seriously...........

I just typed an entry to post, and it got deleted!! ugh. So, I'm going too cheat again. Here's something I wrote about a station I like to listen to........

Sept '09

I should be sleeping at this early hour as I've just had surgery. However, I'm wide awake, Life 96.5 playing softly, and extremley hopeful about my future; something I couldn't say just months ago. I was in the depths of despair. Questioning my purpose in life, wondering what God was doing, and agonizing over what wasn't, and, therfore is, my reality. God has used 96.5 in mighty way these past few months. Each time I turn the radio on, a song is playing that reminds me that he is "holding me," or had me in mind when He went to that cross. Through these songs, God is telling me to, "hold fast,"; to never lose hope.

I've had a wonderful life.........a loving, caring family. Parents who taught me from the time I was little, that Christ is #1. Many oppurtunities have been given to me in all areas of life.

I think that's why I'm overwhelmed at this early hour. God's GRACE has abounded for me. God didn't turn me away in my despair, saying, "look at all I've given you, and you're still not happy!" Instead, He chose people, circumstances, and Life 96.5 to remind me of His unending love. So, I'll "Keep running the race," until the day comes when, "I will rise!"

I don’t feel like thinking too deeply this morning – figured I’d take a break from it as advised from a friend last night! Aren’t you proud?

This is story of Mid-America, “mommy”, and Dr. Phil. I’ll try my best to re-iterate the humor of that day, way back in June. ….

I suppose it was a sunny day that day – I associate sun with June, so we’ll make it sunny. I do, however, vividly remember the time of day. It was nearing 3pm, and I was anxiously awaiting Dr. Phil (talk show host on CBS at 3) to grace my living room with his wisdom.  My cell phone rings just then –
“Hello?” I say in my sweet, angelic voice.
“Is your mommy or daddy home?’ the voice on the other end says.
What? Ohhhhhhhhhh! I can’t remember having this response before. . . .
“No, they’re not. Can I help you?” I respond.
“Well, I need to do some maintainence work in the building……I’ll call someone else.”
My halo is slipping. “What do you need?”
To which he says, “I need to get into the building. (The main entrance is locked.)
“Do you want me to buzz you in?” I say as Dr. Phil is walking out on stage.
“Uh………….” Come on, work with me here. I guess he could stay out there until someone comes along to let him in. if he gets really bored or desperate he can walk to either of the side doors – they’re open.
“Here, I’ll come open the door, ok?” By that time, Dr. Phil had already given a synopsis of that days show, kind of important. Like seeing the crime unfolds on Law & Order. 
As I’m walking down the hall, the apt manager arrives as well, letting the poor soul in. the guy saw me, thanked me for my ‘help’, perhaps realizing that my mommy and daddy indeed weren’t here, and proceeded with his work.
Turns out, he was here to replace the electrical boxes. The electricity had to be turned of for awhile. There goes Dr. Phil.
Should’ve left him outside! My angel wings just fell off!

blah.......

I don't want to get in 'writing mode' right now. It's 10:30pm, haven't been home all day, and I should really clean if I'm going to do anything productive. However, I want to put something on here tonight, because I need to make this writing thing a habit. So, I'm cheating a bit. I'm going to share something I wrote previously. . . Perhaps I'll expound on this tidbit someday. It's like a preview of what's to come.........ohhhhhhhh. :)


You know, that's ironic. Although I had some feelings of not being like other kids, it wasn't until after college that I really felt the pain of 'not being normal.' (Hence my need to deal with 'stuff, which I'm doing.) School was a piece of cake! When I was in school, I had probably 80% in common with my peers, aside from the physical needs I had. Now, I am literally a minority. I'm single, and my 'career' is not a career. Further, when times did get tough in school, I always had 'next year,' or 'the future.' Well, I obviously can't say that now, nor is that how God wanted me to be living at all. The future is now; no 'next year', or 'graduation.' this is life; so I better figure out how to live it!!

Yea, that's pretty overview-ish. . . I'll explain sometime. . . when my house is cleaner. . .

thoughts

I wanted heaven to come today. (Well, ok, Jesus technically, but you know what I mean :)) This past week, a member of Trinity went to be with the Lord. He was 83, and from what people have said, ready to go meet Jesus. I listened to the funeral service on tv(church broadcasts on a tv channel). The testimonies that his family and friends gave were amazing. This man lived a life of trust and honor to his faithful Lord.

The day after this man's home-going, another member of our church suffered an aneurysm. The family tells us that over half of the people with this type of condition die. It looks like he will, Lord willing, make a full recovery, so that is a huge blessing!!

I've been reading updates on a young family from Sioux Falls that I heard of from my mom. The husband and dad of 3 little girls is dying. He recently found out that he has leukemia, and the doctors have concluded that there is little left to do to fight the disease in his body. So, the family, as well as all who know of him, is praying for a miracle.

As I reflect on these 3 stories, I can see tremendous strife. The man who died was living with a disease that took his ability to walk. He had been relying on a scooter for the past 6 years or so. Before that, he had crutches. However, his joy for life and love for the Lord overshadowed his many struggles and disappointments in life. The husband, dad, and grandfather who suffered an aneurysm has a critical time of recovery ahead of him. Still, he is praising God for life today, knowing how close he came to death. The wife and three littler girls of this middle-aged husband and father are grieving the possible death of a man they dearly love. I imagine this man is crying out to God asking, "who will Be here to make sure my wife and girls will be ok?" And yet, there is hope. His wife has written of the assurance he has of eternal life, as well as her comfort in knowing that her beloved husband has loved her and the girls with a unmeasurable love.

Wow. That puts things in perspective. I tend to get down about the little 'everyday stuff.' And while I'll probably never get a kick out of the annoyances and mishaps of the daily grind, I am reminded that they are just that.... Our pastor preached yesterday on loving and trusting God. How much do I love my Lord? Just enough? How much do I trust Him? Up until things get tough? Or do/will I love and trust him with everything, to my very last breath?

Icebraker for myself?

Does that make sense? Not sure, but I'll explain what I mean by this my title I'm going to start off with a bang. Let's just get this out of the way. This writing I'm about to share is totally authentic. No cute, sweet sayings. No humor sprinkled throughout...........Anyone who knows me knows that I love humor, lightheatedness, and, yes, succumming to sappyness now and then.

But, this, this is real. This is part of me. And putting words to my thoughts and feeling has, in my opinion, freed me to be more of the things I love to be. So, here it goes............

September 7, 2009

Healing
Kelly Vander Pol

This past Sunday morning, I felt a nudge; a nudge that I couldn’t shake. It started with Pastor Mark’s plea from the pulpit for just a few more Sunday school teachers. I bumped Ric Kooistra, who was sitting next to me, and whispered, “Ric, there ya go! They need teachers; go to it!” Sighing, he replied, “Yea; on top of Mission Committee, Long Range Planning Committee, and Council? I don’t think so.”
That’s when I started thinking; and couldn’t stop. I was antsy, and Pastor Mark had only begun the message.
Ric’s response was/is all too familiar among church members today, especially those with busy family and work schedules; so busy with the daily routine, that it’d be nice to say “no,” but feeling obligated to serve. (I’m in no way blaming people for this way of thinking/feeling. Family life, especially with school aged children, is challenging and demanding.)
However, I couldn’t resist asking myself, “I wonder how that feels? To be used vitally in the church, and yet wanting a break from the busyness of “being used.”
And then my thoughts wondered further. I wonder what it’d be like to use my gifts and having them be honestly valued; not just given the opportunity to “do my part,” only to satisfy a good deed, something I am familiar with. (eg. This spring I volunteered to create sign-up sheets for the retreat. The following Sunday, the sign-up sheets were not the ones that I had created; they were completely different. Instead of asking me to change the format—which would’ve been completely appropriate--, someone had gone ahead and made new. This only makes more work for others, and conveys a negative message to me.) I am no stranger to the sincere intentions of others, allowing me to ‘do my part’ and then bouncing back into reality….almost is if I’m an eager child wanting to act like an adult. I also know the sting of outright rejection. Frankly, if I had the choice, I’d likely choose rejection.
Having experienced these acts; the act of patronization as well as rejection, the idea of ‘putting myself out there,” leading to vulnerability, is daunting. I’m frightened by the thought of putting my heart into the act of service, knowing the possible outcome. Isn’t that just like us? To be frightened by the judgment of others, rather then confident in the call of God?
As frightened as I am to be vulnerable, I’m more frightened to stay silent. I have been proactively seeking out opportunities to serve, and find myself having the opportunity to serve on the fellowship committee this coming year. I ask for your prayers as I strive to put everything I’ve got into this experience.
Some of you may know a little about my struggle over the past several years. The road has been long and difficult; a road that I don’t want to travel again. I’m on the threshold of a new chapter. I want… rather, I need to use these gifts that God has given me. He has never left me; even when I couldn’t reach out to Him. I owe Him my willingness and commitment to serve, regardless of the responses I might receive.
Along with my renewed commitment to serve my Lord, I have a renewed longing to learn; to learn from His word, experiences, and others. As much as I pray that my road of suffering is over for good, I know that I’m still on this side of heaven. Therefore, I’m going to put on “the full armor of God,’ so I can be a ready and willing child of God.
Tomorrow night will mark the first session of the class on forgiveness, which I will take part in. I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to learn about this most difficult yet freeing act. As I walk into the room, I’ll assume each person is in that class because of circumstances in life that have led them to desire a deeper understanding of forgiveness. I’ll have the hope of learning from each person there. Ultimately, I’ll hope to learn how to practice the act of forgiveness more often, glorifying God through it.
So, I am here, standing for you, asking you to pray with me. Pray that I will hold myself accountable for using the gifts God has given me. Pray that I will push my hesitations and fears aside, and focus on God’s call. Pray, too, that Trinity, my home church, will hold me accountable as a valued member of the body. We need each other. I need this church and, the church needs me, as it needs all members.

OK.I guess I forgot how to do this; just spent 10 minutes trying to recover my password. It's a good, now. My show's on now, though, so I'll be writing what I wanted to write later. Clear as mud?