Perhaps......no, likely what I am about to share is one of those silly self-imposed ideas that we all have. OK, I guess I can't speak for you, but I'll admit to having them.

I often wonder what people think when they see my body behave in strange ways. For instance, what runs through peoples' mind when they wittness my hand suddenly hit the table because of a muscle spasm?

Well, a number of options come to mind right of the bat, you see:
People might conclude:
A) I'm mad, and I like to hit my hand on hard objects........it's a stress reliever
B) I enjoy making a statement (as if I need to hit my hand against a table to accomplish this)
C) I have a thing called cerebral palsy that take control of most of my body whenever and however it chooses to.

Well, it's true....I do get mad, and, if I'm honest, I don't mind making a statement now and then. However, as most of my readers know, the reason I hit tables from time to time is due to cerebal palsy.

Rarely, am I completely still. While streching out on your favorite beach chair sounds relaxing, I prefer a straightj acket. Give me a straight jacket, a chick flick and some popcorn and I'll be one happy girl. (You might need to feed me, though, as my arms will be relaxing in the confines of the straight jacket!)

As I was explaining the complexities of this matter to my friends a while back, I told the following story to illistate my point:

Some 13 years ago, I was on my first date with a gentlemen from my school. We doubled with another couple. I couldn't tell you where we ate. I couldn't tell you what we talked about. I couldn't tell you much of anything about that night, really.

But, what I do remeber with clearity is this: we were sitting in the Sibley theater, and right there, mid-way through the movie Stepmother, my date slipped his hand into mine. WOW. This gentle, non-restrive movement sent my hand and arm into a frenzie!! I didn't know whether to give the guy a quick lesson on the nuerological system right then and there, to pull my hand away or to just sweat - and shake - my way through it. I sweat and shook.......A LOT!

We did go on a few dates after that; dates that did not include hand-holding!!! Oh, and I eventually saw the entire movie.

We left our shoes by the bench and sat down on the edge of the dock. Being a water lover, I was tempted to put my feet in the water; if it weren't for the hundreds of little fish swimming around, I would've.

The 'almost-sweat-shirt' weather, along with the pure blue sky was a welcome sancturary for our weary souls.

Here, one by one, we shared the concerns and desires of our hearts - and prayed boldly to a God who hears. We prayed expecting God to come through...because that's what He wants of us.

So, here I sit at 1:40an counting on peace, counting on purpose, counting on restoration in His time.

But, for now, I'm thanful for my community, the people who remind me to press on.

As I'm standing here, staring into the mirror
See the figure of a man trying to take a stand
And live for something more
Integrity is what I need and honor to my soul I feed
To give it up, pack it in, getting rid of all my sin that's weighing me down
Won't You come and fill
I want You to come and make me more real
Take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
Won't You take this life, won't You change this life
Come and make me whole
In my pursuit of what is real
My heart is longing with a need to feel my soul come alive
I trudge and I step through the height and the death
Of a long narrow as I'm growing old
And soon I will be home

I started college 10 years ago this week. I remember the day I moved in; I even remember what I was wearing – a purple stripped polo shirt and kahki shorts. I moved into East Hall at Dordt. I tend to be dramatic, so walking out of my childhood home that Saturday morning was a bit intense. My mom, trying to lighten my already-nervous mood, said, “Say goodbye, Kels.” Oh my, was that tragic!

My dad drove the pick-up, the back full of stuff. My mom and I drove the car. I remember my mom telling me on the way there that I could always tell them if college wasn’t working. “You can always try it, but don’t be afraid to tell us if it’s too much for you.” I wasn’t so into talking at that point, so I just nodded and said, “Yea, I know”

My roommate and her parents were there when we arrived at the dorm. Rachel and I clicked right away, an answered prayer. The work then began of hauling all my stuff in. the dorms had loft built into them, but we decided that probably wasn’t a good idea for me. Therefore, we moved a single bed into the room. That, obviously, made our small room even smaller. When we move the couch in beside my bed, the room got even smaller!

My parents said goodbye to a very timid girl that day. I don’t know what they were thinking on their way home, but I was sure I’d be home in the course of a week. Since I was a youngster, I said I wanted to go to college. I wanted to follow in my sister Amy’s footsteps and go to Dordt. But, I never really thought I’d make it. And now, exactly ten years after Amy was moving in the very same hall, I didn’t have very high hopes. College classes? Me? I didn’t believe it – I couldn’t.

The freshman class participated in and convocation service, if you will, the next day. The families were invited and Ron Rynders, referred to as “Uncle Ron”, spoke to the freshmen class not as freshman of 2001 but as the graduating class of 2005. And while I wanted to think of myself as being one of the many to receive a diploma in four years, I just could not.

Well, I think we began class on a Thursday, and my first class was sociology. I remember walking from my dorm to the science building with an “I can’t believe this is happening, this won’t last,” smile pestered across my face. It was a gen ed class, so there were quite a few students. I found a seat, and began what I thought was a brief college career.

Turns out, I received a “B” on my first test. I was maneuvering my way around campus and yes, even figuring out how to sleep in my hot dorm room. By October, I was comfortable and thinking that this could be home for awhile. I got sick of having my bed take up so much of our room, so I convinced my roommate to move my bed into the cleaning closet right next door. The cleaning lady graciously allowed me to store it there until I broke the news to my parents that I was now enjoying climbing up into the loft at night and they could take the bed home.

Don’t worry, I can count on one hand the times I fell climbing in and out of bed!

"And when my spirit clothed immortal wings it flight to realms of day

this my song through endless ages,

Jesus led me all the way,

Jesus led me all the way.

I was just on a bike ride and lately I've started out listening to this song. These words are powerful. Even now, even in the midst in trial He is leading me.

I long to touch His face - the One who has led me for 29 years.

What a moment that will be.

Look at her. Doesn't this little girl look peaceful? The is sun shining down on her, and I wouldn't be surprised if a butterfly or two came around. Her papa likely positioned her in that very spot for a purpose: to have a photo taken.

Judging by appearance, the little girl is content. She isn't fussing, anxious or scared. She's sitting there, in one spot until her papa scoops her up once again and places her somewhere else.

These days, I've been wondering where that little girl went. I seem to be unable to find her and all her wisdom.

And I want her back. I want to completely trust my Heavenly Papa like I trusted my earthly papa to scoop me up that day.

Unlike that little girl in the photo, I become restless and anxious all too often. I fuss at my Heavenly Papa, even though I know the outcome........I cannot move without my Heavenly Father moving me.

Stay tuned........that little girl is out there!

Bits and Pieces of Me

This thing called life is really quite a journey. Heartache and despair, joy and and hope seem to visit my heart on a daily basis.

Joy overcomes me when I think of the community the surrounds me. A community that loves me, challenges me asks nothing less of me than my best. I only hope I can do the same for these brothers and sisters.

To this community, I say thank you for your strength, love and example.

In the moments of despair, I ask Jesus to be near. When I'm unable to see the finished product on God's Canvas, He reminds me that the end result is up to Him, not me.

Somewhere in between joy and despair, I uncover a thing called hope. According to Webster, hope means "to expect with confidence." Reminds me of a well-known passage in a book with value unequal to Webster.

Hebrews 1:11 tells us, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

I'm believing without seeing. How about you?