Why God?

Why am I so broken, so dumb.............so human? 6 months ago, I asked the question, "Why God?" Actually, it was more of a passing thought, as I stuggled to get through each day. You, see, I wasn't in daily communication with my Lord. He was always there, of course, but I was so blinded to my own sorrow, my self-pity, and my anger.

I couldn't bring myself to do the work of daily giving myself over to my Savior. I think I was scared. What if I failed? What if surrender was to big a challenge for me? When I decide to do something, there's no stopping me. But this, if I couldn't do this surrender thing, it'd be all over.

Well, the good news is that I've decided to give this a try, this surrender thing. It has been hard - sometimes painful - work. The bad news is I can't do it... That is without Jesus right there every step of the way.

So, here, in the early hours of Thanksgiving Day, I am asking myself, again, "Why God?" Why are you choosing to bless me so abundantly? Why are You so willing to show Your mercy, grace, and peace to me? I couldn't even boldly cry out to you in the darkness.

And I hear Jesus saying, "Because, my little girl, I love you."

Take My World Apart

I wrote this last week.......and I was going to edit it before putting it on my blog. My writing mentor says the art of writing is not saying too much of too little. And, for me balance is difficult fo me, in more ways then one! However, I'm not sure what I'll change. I know I oought to, but for now, this is it. . . . Like life, the next step to the editing proccess, is unknown to me.

11.19





Jars of Clay is probably in the top 5 of my favorite bands. Their first album is my favorite of all time. So, I searched for three songs included in that particular album. Anyway, I searched for the ‘official’ Jars of Clay music video. However, I couldn’t find it. Maybe the group didn’t make on for this particular song. Or, again, it’s a sign of my YouTube illiteracy.

So, I chose to download someone’s home made video of the song. This was early in the morning, 2am. I have the slow version of cable internet – someone just explained the different speeds to me, again, and I can’t keep that straight. Astounding! I’m known for remembering details upon details. Many of them useless. –

I went to bed. This morning, the thing was downloaded, ready for my sleepy eyes to view. The video was a PowerPoint with the lyrics. Ok. Not an actual music video, but I’ll be able to read the lyrics again. Pretty good.

I knew what the song was about. “Worlds Apart.” Not to difficult to infer the meaning, just by the title. And, I claim the album as my favorite album in my 27 years of life. I ought to know, huh?

I don’t know. I’m 27, for goodness sake. And I was reminded of this fact as I stared at the lyrics. Wow. I had no idea the meaning of these words. And, frighteningly, I still don’t. I’d love to think my world has been ‘taken apart’ for the last time. But, I think that would mean Jesus would come take me home, which would be great. Bur, I’m pretty sure I’m not done here yet.

I’m going to go look up Icarus. Who is he?!

I was frustrated with myself on Saturday night. I went to the movie, “This is it.” For anyone who’s been living under a rock, it’s the movie about Michael Jackson. I was working that night, and my residents chose the movie, so I followed. Movies are always hit and miss when taking residents. Sometimes we’re in the midst of an audience of youngins’ and their parents, and sometimes the audience is made up of adults. Never know.

Anyway, I was secretly looking forward to seeing, “This is It.” I probably wouldn’t have gone outside of work; I wasn’t a fan of Michael. Admittedly, I’m one of those who know more about him now that he’s dead.

So I walk in to the theater to find an array of ages in the audience. A middle-aged couple with their popcorn, quietly visiting, waiting for the movie to start. A couple of 20-somethings, sitting in silence. And then there were two prepubescent kids, giggling and messing around with their Smartphones. I made my way up the steps. As I do this, those two stop what they’re doing, and follow me with their eyes, and giggle. Ok, fine. I know this happens everywhere I go. That’s ok. These two were rather obvious about their curiosity, but whatever. I find my seat, and they go back to the ever-pressing matters on their phones. Done.

But, no, these kids turn around during the movie, - perhaps to make sure I haven’t escaped unnoticeably, which wouldn’t happen, anyway- and giggle. I find myself glaring at them, as if I were an authority figure, telling them to turn around and watch the movie they’ve probably seen 5 times already.

The movie ends, the credits role, and my residents file out. Except, along with the credits, this movie continues to play little snippets. By then, my residents are out the door, and I am in the process of standing up. These two kids whip their heads back, and wait for the moment. I sit back down, they turn away. I begin standing, and just like that, 4 eyes are glued to me.

Seriously, these two are being a little ridiculous. Seriously, I’m being more ridiculous! Get going, I think to myself. By this time, the snippets are over, and the two proceed to the exit, all the awhile glancing back at me. I again glare – as if that fazes them. But now, I add a head gesture. Go! I want to scream. I probably looked even sillier to them with my glares and my head gesture. We finally go our separate ways, a long awaited good-bye. They probably got picked up by their mom, while I drove my resident home.

Pretty good movie, though!

Update

Physical Therapy is going really well! My PT says I actully do better with crutches! We contemplated for 2 weeks now, and I think we have a good handel on things. Today, I think I finally got the feel of holding my crutches in more - - it clicked. Now, I'm not quite so wide! I won't take anyone out! I thought I could get away with using one crutch, but that's doing crazy things with my back and neck. I favor one side more, appearently. I'm feeling so uneducated about my body! I don't notice stuff like that until my PT points it out. Wierd. I live in this thing, I should know a thing or two! And, I'm getting impatient already. It takes like .6 seconds longer to put those things in my car and open doors. However, the abililty to enjoy walking farrrrrrrrrrrr outweighs the extra time it takes. So, yes, I'll get over it!

Last week, a little girl, probably about 6, was at PT the same time I was. She so reminded me of myself at that age. She was walking with a walker, making a lap around the rehab section. I suppose it took her 20 minutes to make that trek. Took me right back to my days of putting one foot in front of the other, very slowly. That required much patience - ecspecially on the days I was in a bad mood - usually when mom dressed me in something 'ugly.' I liked my fashion! I wanna tell her it's ok, it'll be fine. Maybe someday, I'll have the opportunity...