Happy New Year! I was reminiscing with one of my friends tonight about where we were a decade ago. She turned to her hubby and asked, "Is it weird that she(me) remembers that?"

I piped in and said, "No! We were all psyched about Y2K!" (I just think my friend admires my very good memory) :)

So, this is 2010. I hit a little bunny rabbit on the way home - what a way to begin the year, huh?

I've been thinking alot these past 2 days. I'm kind of ticked at myself. I just spent a week with my family. My biggest fans. The ones who have loved me more then any human beings ever will. The people I love more then anything.

I thought this time would be different. This time I'd be able to shut my mind off and just bask in the love they have for me, and I have for them.

Before this Christmas Season even began, I even realized that my self worth had nothing to do what I have, or even don’t have. So I figured I was good to go!

These two lists, the “have,” and “don’t have,” lists…. Why do I continue to measure myself by these? Especially when I claim to be a changed person? I can still say wholeheartedly that I’ve come to a fuller understanding of the conviction with which my parents raised us kids.

So, why can’t I live like that?

Why do I continually act like I don’t know what I KNOW to be true?

A friend gave me some good advice as to why I act like a knuckle head(those are my words) around family. Apparently, this is an age old struggle for people.

However, that’s not all that comforting. Well, it is, but I’d rather hear that there’s a cure for this.

Well, until next time. I got to get some sleep………….

I Know Nothing. . .

and I've never been more at peace.

I don't know why my baby nephew, an otherwise content baby, was restless this evening - I hope he gets some good rest tonight.

I'm not so sure if we're going to make it to our Christmas gathering tomorrow - the storm is getting worse.

I'm not sure why I chose to go sledding behind to 4-wheeler today - FUN but COLD and bumpy!

I'm not even sure how I'll feel tomorrow.

However, this I do know

I'm changed.
Because I believe that a baby came to earth. For me.
And I'm safe for eternity

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I really hope these 7 little kids aren't as stubborn as their Auntie Kels.

Before they hit 27, I hope they realize:

- that worrying about everything really IS fruitless

- that putting on a facade really ISN'T the reason they are/will be loved.

- that by constantly focusing on the future, they'll miss the present - and regret it.

- God has given them THEIR OWN RACE TO RUN. Comparing and even asking questions is pointless.

- that this Jesus, who came so long ago, is real. That it doesn't make sense, but He came. For them.

Merry Christmas, little ones.

Love,
your Auntie

Thoughts

I’m so tired right now, I could fall over. I should be in bed.

But, I’m full. Full of thoughts and ideas, full of gratitude, full of hope. I wrote, “I’ve never experienced as many emotions as I have in the last month…Christmas has a new meaning this year.”

This thing I don’t get – that the Creator of the world came to rescue us. I don’t get it.

I just realized recently how tiny we are. Earth is like a dot – A DOT – on the canvas of God’s creation. I don’t know what that makes me but I do know it makes me SMALL.

For the first time I honestly think, “Is God really still watching over me?” I’ve been such a putz; I’ve messed up.

You know, before my eyes were opened, I always kind of figured I was on God’s top 10 – ok, at least top 1 million – because He allowed me to have CP. And, I wasn’t, like horrible…… I did pretty well in life. For the most part. (This is embarrassing to confess! –Maybe only 2 people will read this! )

Wow. I don’t know what I was thinking. Apparently, I wasn’t.

Someone said awhile back something like, “The more we understand about God’s grace, the more we realize our need for it.”

I seem to be saying this a lot lately,… But, I think Inow know what that means. And it’s terrifyingly astounding.

I’m terrified because the irrational part of me – yes, there is one – thinks I may have missed the boat. God gave up on me. He has 6 billion other people to deal with, and I was a putz long enough! And still am!

Then the sane me emerges – which is more frequent these days. I kinda like it – and so does everyone else! I remember what I’ve been taught from childhood, and think about what I know to be true.

This God, who created everything hasn’t left me, nor will ever leave me. Not because of anything I did, or will do, either. But, because He says He won’t.

So, this puts a whole new meaning to Christmas. I am more at peace then I’ve had in a long while. God has allowed this stubborn, pug-headed girl to let go of this world. I have a pretty strong grip, too. Ask me to shake hands sometime!

How long will we have to wait?! I’m ready to go!!

Never More Sure

I was annoyed last night. A friend and I watched the movie, “My Sister’s Keeper.” It’s the movie about a family whose eldest child developed leukemia, and the only hope of survival for her would be a donor that matched.

No one in the family was a match, so they’d have to wait for a donor that would be a match – unless the parents had another child. A genetically altered child.

The movie begins with the youngest child, Anna, the one brought into this world to save her big sister’s life. Anna explains how we as human beings come to be. Most of us are here by chance, she says.

Our spirits meet up with our bodies when two people – our parents, obviously -- havve sex. According to Anna, is generally a happenstance thing; usually the result of a one night stand. If, the two people actually do love one another, and do have sex, Anna still thinks most pregnancies develop out of failed birth control.

In 11 years of her young life, Anna – through her parents – did everything, from donating blood cells to bone marrow, to save her sister, Kate. However, Kate, eventually dies. The leukemia takes over, and she dies.

“Amazing Grace” is played at her funeral.

I’m not naive. I realize the song is used as a token song in nearly every movie where there’s a funeral. I get it. And it didn’t get to me until I heard the song used last night in that movie.

I think I know why, too. I was like Anna. Well, ok, not unbelieving; I always believed. I believed in a God that loved me. I knew that much. I believed in Jesus, too. Of course. Jesus died for me. I always knew that.

But, it’s different now. I didn’t, and still don’t, fully grasp the fact that God, the creator of everything, came to save this world….to save me. The more I try and comprehend it, the more mind-boggling it is.

I don’t get it. I struggle to accept this, as I do almost everything – good and bad – in my life. Oh, but I’ve never been more confident of anything, Unfortunately, though, that doesn’t cancel out the struggle.

So, then, I guess “Amazing Grace” – if it really ever was - is not a token song for me anymore.