Stumbling in the Dark

The clock on my dresser, stacked with laundry I still have yet to put in it's respective drawers, says 2:30 am. Actually, the time is 1:30 - I haven't gotten around - even after two months - to changing the time on it.

I'm thirsty. I hate when this happens; I'm so warm and cozy in my cocoon of blankets. Now I have to get out of bed. I sit up and wait a few second for my body to be lucid. I make my way out of the bedroom, past the couch and into the kitchen, only walking into one object - a good night for me.

I grab a cup from the cupboard and fill it full with water. My shaky hands lift the cup to the counter; the cup leaving a trail of spilled water behind it. I reach for a straw, place it in the cup, and bend forward to take a drink. As my mouth touches the straw, my eyes catch the light peering through the bottom of the door to my apartment.

The brightness is almost too much for my sleepy eyes. I jerk, turning my head.

But then, I'm reminded of the Eternal Light. How He shines into the darkest ares of my life.... This, both a comfort and conviction.

I turn back to the light coming from underneath that door and finish drinking my water.

Thank you, Lord, for quiet moments like these.

Born is the King.....

Advent is here. And I'm just now beginning to realize how meaningful these few weeks are. Crazy, really. For 27 years, I've been in church, singing advent songs, never really thinking about the significance of Advent.

I wonder what the Father was thinking as He anticipated this event, the birth of His son, Jesus. He knew Jesus was coming into a world that would reject him. The Father knew Jesus was coming into this world to ultimately die for the sins for mankind.

Oh, how the Father loves his children. Absolutely amazing....

Distant Memories....

I said I was going to start blogging again. Honestly, I don't have much to say these days... Howevey, as I was getting my mail from down the hall a few minutes ago, the street light outside sparked a distant memory that we still talk about from time to time.

I was about four years old. My parents were youth group leaders at the time, and on this particular night, they had youth group. My sister was gone, so my brother were in charge. Not something I was too thrilled about.

I had fallen asleep on the couch, and in the meantime, Lance and Brian decided to call it a night and go to bed. They shut off every last light in our house, and left me sleeping on the couch. I happened to wake up during this time. I was terrified! I was deathly afraid of the dark as a kid.

So, after freaking out for a few minutes, I went to our sliding glass door, (I think I was attrected to the yard light) and thought it'd be a smart idea to go over to the nieghbors. I wasn't too steady on my feet yet, so I crawled accros our driveway to Denny and Diane, got myself of their deck, and knocked on their sliding glass door. I think I scared them half to death; they were sleeping as well. Just then, my parents got home, and my dad came a got me.

Cazy, huh? I can't believe I did that!

Welcome Back!

This is a welcome back message for my readers.......and an accountability message for me. I have gotten complacent in life again.......unbelievable! Why do I do this? I know the path I'm going down. And I don't like where it leads..........so I getting back in the game!

Which means I need to start writing again. So, I'm going to write everday. About everyday stuff. I don't know........blogging makes my feel connetected to people...even if only two people read my ramblings.

All I know is that I'm not letting myself become what I was.

I'm off to Harp & Bowl..........see ya later.

My heart is bursting right now. On the way home tonight, I heard this song. And it's just what I needed to hear.

I couple weeks ago, a dear friend reminded my that I need to lay everything at the cross - EVERDAY. Wow. That's tough to do sometimes. But it's all I have. All I have is Him. And that's enough. It's more than enough.

I struggle. On a daily basis. My soul is rarely still. I need practice at this surrender thing.

But, when I am still, when I do reflect on my life, I must say I've been so blessed, and it's at times like this that words can't capture my sense of graditude. I was telling a good friend of mine today that I've never felt unloved - by family, by friends, or my heavenly Father.

If I can say that, then the very least I can do for the God who created me, lovees me, knows my every need, is surrender to Him. Everyday.




Lead Me

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Haiti

 

Matthew 25:40
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Choas. Destruction. Madness. On the surface, that’s what the group saw as they drove through Port Au Prince, Haiti.

On June 23, 2010 a group of 57 people from Iowa, Indiana and Missouri traveled to Haiti to work and live among the Haitian people. Among them was a senior from Western Christian, Janie Boon, who resides in Rock Valley. Janie said she had an invaluable experience with the crew of American volunteers.

The destruction from the earthquake that hit in January of this year was still evident. The collapsed, abandoned buildings were all around. There were several tent villages - people living in tents because their homes were wiped out - with only the clothes on their back.

Among the devastation, however, there is hope.

 One of my favorite pictures. Tate’s Shirt says it all. 

                    

                   THER’S ALWAYS HOPE

My team an I with an organization called Mission of Hope, which is about 14 miles from Haiti’s Capitol, Port Au Prince.

The Mission of Hope was started by Bob and Sharon Johnson from Missouri. They envisioned developing a compound that would meet the wide array of needs in Haiti. Today, nearly 25 years later, the compound has an orphanage, medical clinic, church and school.

The orphanage, called the Hope House is home to 58 children. The mission has committed to raising these children in such a way that when they are adults, they’ll bring about the changes that Haiti so desperately needs. Some of these necessary changes include individuals with an education, strong grassroots leadership, and a passion for their homeland.

The group spent their time doing construction on the compound and going out into the villages to evangelize and do vacation bible school (VBS). When the group asked people if they could pray with them, the Hatians invited them into their homes. Most of the tent city homes consisted of a tattered blue tarp held up by three or four rugged branches.

For Jason Weirsma from Inwood, evangalism was a highlight. He recalled meeting a young prostitute and hearing her talk about how God could not forgive her for what she had done. Wiersma explained that everyone is a sinner saved by grace. Jason and the group prayed with that young woman, and she accepted Christ as her personal savior. The next time they saw her was at the Church of Hope on Sunday!

That same day, another team prayed with a man that appeared very distraught. After the team prayed, the members started moving on. However, one team member felt the need to stay and keep praying. As the team kept praying, the man physically began standing up straighter. By the end of the prayer time, his hands were raised! As the team left the village later, the man came to the bus that the mission team was being transported by, his hands still raised.

One morning the evangelism teams came upon Abraham Village, a tent city near the Mission of Hope. That particular day was market day, which is a day where hundreds of local people buy and sell goods. The people and thousands of pounds of produce stood between the team and Abraham Village.

The team was extremely hesitant as to how the huge yellow school bus would ever make its way through the incredible maze of people. However, as Bridget Vander Tuin of Doon explained, God had bigger plans. The team’s bus driver made his way through the bustling crowd of people so the team could evangelize, do VBS, and provide medical services.

For Jenna Bessler from Bethany, Missouri , attending the church service at the Church of Hope was a highlight.

“The singing was incredible,” said Jenna. “It was amazing to know that we were singing the same songs, only in different languages,” she said. “God heard us all!” She admired how the Haitians praised God with their whole being.

Every night, the group had devotions followed by a time of reflection to process the events they had witnessed that day. While the group witnessed extreme poverty and destruction, they also witnessed the resilient courage and beauty of the Haitian people. Boone, among many other volunteers gained a newfound appreciation for the rich blessings of American life.

The 57 Americans that boarded the flight on June 23, 2010 were strangers, but the group that came back seven days later was bonded together by an experience of a lifetime. The events of that week will forever leave an imprint on each heart; Americans and Haitians alike.

 

"Trouble!!" she said as I approached her.
"Hi, how are you?" I replied.
After not seeing her for nearly five years, I was hoping we could have an adult to adult conversation. Besides, didn't I just hear her speak about her troubled past. Her heartache and pain?

I know where you've been, I felt like saying. I know what pain is. Heartache, yea, I've had that, too. And I often don't know what to do with it.

But, instead, I found myself in this sea of people, smiling. Because, that's what I do. I smile. I make poeple feel good about themselves. I make people thankful for the nice-looking, healthy bodies they have.

I smile, while they smile back. And then I go home.

Forget the tight muscles. Or the difficulty eating. Or my spasms. It's a piece of cake.

Compared to the intoxicating lonliness.

And then this song came on

I need you Jesus,
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You




15 minutes later, this song played through my car stereo

"Be still my child," says the Lord.

"Cosider all that I have done," He continues. "Stand in awe and be amazed."

"Put your head upon my breast," He says. "I AM your Father."

"Listen to MY heart of love beating for YOU."

One of My Favorite Guys

He only got stern with me once. My two cousins,Katie and Coby, and I would often spend the night at Grandpa and Grandma's. All three of us were lined up on the living room floor, comfy in our sleeping bags. Minutes after Grandma said, "night girls," we'd have the 12-inch tv on. We made sure to keep it quit as to not wake Gramps and Gram. We knew we were safe when the sound of their snoring came in our direction.

When we'd finally turn the tv off, that clock would chime. Oh, that lovely clock! Grandma had that thing for years. When we got older, and didn't sleep over anymore, she got a quite clock. Nice timing.

Anyway, on to the incident. Saturdays at Gramps and Grams consisted of being outside or going to Granpa's shop. We were Grandpa's three little secretaries. But, this day we stayed at the house. Grandma had the golf cart out. I have to say that their driveway is at about a 60 degree angle. I was a bit too excited to drive appearently, because I took off down that slope and ran right into the light pole across the street. I can still picture he coming down the driveway. "I though I told you to be careful!" I was off golf duty for the day.

n
He didn't give up on me. Grampa taught me how to drive. Many poeple have said that its crazy to think I can drive. Here's a little food for thought. When I'm hanging onto something sturdy I don't spaz out. I know, that's an extremely bad way of explaining it, but its 2am. On Sundays Grampa would take me out for a drive. He knew I'd get the hang of it.

He loved to boat. We'd always vacation at lake Cormorot. The kids all learned to ski and tube. Grampa would spend the entire week driving the boat for us. I got burned more times then I care to think about.

Miss you!

Does anyone have a straight jacket?

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm going through me old pictures. I want to do a project of some sort with them, but haven't quite figured out what that will be. Most of my early days were comprised of wierd faces and ugly hair.
Alas, someone took these pictures - not sure
who.

I don't know what I'm doing here. Perhaps I was impersonating my favorite character. Maybe I was playing Gestures. Or I coud've just been trying to pose for this picture!

At any rate, I take up alot of space. Forget the fact that I'm animated; these CP muscels won't stay still for anything! The only difference between this "me" and now is that I've gained a few (or alot) extra pounds, adopted a better hair style, and have better glasses.

I still take up space............thats one of the reasons I do not enjoy flying. Those seats aren't exactly spacious. I tend to hit my nieghbor one in a while - thankfully, most of them aren't too annoyed. (I wonder: Would people rather sit by me, or a crying 1 yr old - at least I don't cry!) The worst part is that when I do drift off to dreamland, my body instictively knows, as if to say to my muscels, "You've been still for five minutes; you better do something!" It's amazing. Like clockwork. I love it!

Oh well, I get to go to BC to spend some time with my sis and cousin! Maybe the plane will be empty..........

Can't Sleep

We are total opposites. Her house is spotless; my apartment is...not spotless. I'm funny; she's not. The list goes on.

Much to her dismay, we've been friends. for over 20 yesrs. Her name is Danica. She was 19 when she saw me for the first time, in her words, "riding a scooter in PE, playing hocky." I don't remember our first meeting, but I'm sure it was charming.

Danica was a new intern at my school, fresh out of occupational therapy school. She still recalls how boring Rock Valley was -- so boring, she hung out with twerp like me.

She's moved on.......she's docter's wife and mom of two boys. We've seen each other about once a year, and this ole' Iowa girl has seen many parts of the US because of the places she's lived. Ask Danica about camping at Lake Tahoe!

And whille I'll never be a neat freak, and she'll never be funny, we'll always be friends.

Oh, Danica, thanks for the memories, chica!! Love you!

More of my DC trip

Tuesday, we had a meeting with the Alliance to End Hunger.   We met with  Cody Fischer, the manager of membership services. FRB is partnering with the organization in an effort to build relationships in DC and around the world.

The Bread for the World headquarters was in the same building. I thought that was neat, so I took a picture.

 

 

Wednesday, we attended Senator Harkin’s breakfast. I, of course, had no idea how these breakfasts go. Much to our surprise, Harkin and his staff knew we were coming. When Harkin made his way around the room, he spent some time talking with Ron and I about FRB. It was pretty memorable!

After the breakfast, one of Harkin’s staffers give us a capitol tour. That was pretty amazing…….We were able to witness both the House of Reps and Senate in session. You’d think – or at least I did – that both bodies are similar. They’re not. The House was loud and bustling with activity. The Senate was quite and proper. We g0t scolded for talking in the Senate chambers! As our guide described it – The Senate is like a formal affair, while the House is like a college frat party! If I ever pursue a career in politics, I’ll be a representative!

 

As we were rounding a corner on our tour, Senator Grassley was coming down from the Senate chambers!! Grassley talked with us for  a bit. That was a memorable moment, as well!

Literally, seconds after Grassley came down, Senator Thune appeared! Needless to say, we were all ecstatic!

 

                           

These are just a few pictures we took of the tour. The second picture is of Ron and I beside the statue of Ronald Reagan. The third picture is of Harvey & Judy beside the Minnesota statue. Every state has a statue in the capitol. Iowa’s is a statue of Helen Keller.

Providence

*I can safely say my dad will not read this – he knows nothing about computers. The guy’s emotional enough, he doesn’t need to see this :) *

I think this was taken at Christmas. My dad looks on as I open my gift. Probably a coloring book – I enjoyed coloring, even though the kitchen table got more colorful than the pages – sorry mom!

Dads always enjoy watching their kids find joy. My dad loves to see his kids joyful.

 

 

 

That did not mean, though, that dad spared us from the experiences – unpleasant as they may have been-  of life.  If my dad didn’t push me, I'd still be sitting on the sides of swimming pools, afraid to go in. I recall begging him to to let go of me. He’d say, “Relax, I’m right here.” In reality, all my squirming just hindered my ability to swim.

Or the times he’d say in frustration, at his wits end, “Why do you have to be so stubborn?

To which I’d reply, “Why do you not get it?”

Of course, his famous last words were, “ Oh, I get it!”

When I think of dad,

I think of Jesus.

I find it ironic that dad’s shirt says ‘providence.” Today, Good Friday, providence meant that Jesus would be killed, by the very ones he came to save.

On Sunday, the third day, providence for me means I will one day be with the Lord. Whole. 

 

 

Ramblings/ Perspective

This is the 5-year old version of me. Curly, blonde hair, ugly blue dress, and pink glasses – I think they were pink.

I was at

mom & dad’s

house awhile back to look for

something – are you noticing a pattern, here? Mom said she didn’t want ‘her’ pictures to leave her house…I’m sure she doesn’t even miss them! Sorry, mom! I’ll protect them!

Up until recent years, I didn’t even like looking back at old pictures.  It evoked a bit of sadness. It still does, to a degree.

However, it’s good for us to remember where we’ve come from. I think it reminds me of how far I’ve come – and to keep going.

---------------

13 years later…

I miss these days sometimes. although the ‘business’ of being a teen had its ups and downs, it wasn’t too bad.

These years were relatively carefree. I had the same concerns as my peers. “What should I wear today? ….. What’s going on this weekend? ….  When am I going to get that assignment done – that I didn’t do last night?”

I didn’t worry about paying bills, having a job, how my investments were doing… even putting gas in my car (Yes, I was spoiled.) - I just worried about getting to school before the morning bell. :S

Someday, Perhaps, I would.

Life  was simple back then. Of course, I thought it was complicated. But, really, it was pretty simple.

In many ways, life, for me, has not changed. Life is simple – I don’t have a family to get out the door in the morning…most days, I don’t even need to get out the door. (I work from home.)

I do think about money,  but not because I have too much. I don’t think about  where to invest my money.

I don’t have a mortgage, I make a monthly rent payment.

Someday perhaps, I will.

Someday, I’ll   figure out the secret of being completely content.

But, for now, I’ll keep pluggin’ away at this thing called life.

What. . . .

Do you do with a gift you don't want to use? Give it to someone else - the imfamous 're-gift' ? Maybe give it to charity, like Justice For All? Or maybe stick it in a closet somewhere, and forget about it till who-knows-when.

But, what if you can't give it away? You're stuck with this 'gift.' We all have them. The good Lord has given us all something.

Most people like to share gifts, I think. But, if you're like me, sometimes sharing gets tiresome. When do I share this gift? Some may reject me. I certainly don't want that. Although I can't say I've been rejected by too many, I still hate it. And the crazy thing is, I have to force myself not to focus on that; the smallest bit of the pie.

So, this gift..... - which I don't even know what to call it somedays - if it is meant to be shared, why am I reluctant, in certain situations, to share it?

I'm just like the next person. I want to be loved. I need people...perhaps too much. And that need - too often - overshadows my responsibility to follow God's way.

Life's a journey

Where We've Come From

I was at my parent's several days ago. I needed a card table. Mom said I could have one from the basement, so on my way home one day, I went to the house to find one. I didn't find a card table, but I found something eslse.

I bet I was in 1st grade when I got my first pair of crutches. I knew my fashion back then already.....I wanted my crutches to be pink.

Who knew back then, more the 20 years ago, what life would bring. Never would I have imagined how joyful life could be. Never, on the other hand, could I have imagined how dissappointing life could be.

I doubt my parents knew where I'd be today. Oh, I know they hoped and prayed, as they did for all three of my siblings. They prayed we'd be happy and healthy, and grow to love Jesus.

Just like this crutch, so has been life. The paint has been worn off in some areas. It's dusty and dirty. Some days seemingly impossible -- I remember many falls with those things. Good excuse to go home, though!

However, still intact. Still recognizable. And when I look hard enough, still a gift.

The Weight of Glory

My first reaction is to label this an oxymoron. When I describe something really amazing, I don't use "wieght." Yes, I realize 'wieght' doesn't always mean heavy

.

This song by Josh Wilson struck me yesterday. He sings,
"Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming"

If I am honest, which I usually am, I'd have to admit, I'm not very daring, according to this song. Although God has always delivered me from not-so-fun circumstanses; I still cringe at the thought of going through rough spells.

I don't know, just thought I'd share...

Foods Resource Bank

Its mission statement is, "A Christian Response to World Hunger." Started nearly 10 years ago, FRB has rasied millions of dollars to supprt ag developement overseas.

Here in the US, communities are supporting these efforts by coming together around community growing projects. Farmers agree to donate profits from part of their land/livestock to FRB. Members of the community get involved in many ways as well. Suppliers donate fertilizer, ect. Land owners may take a percentage off the rent of the land. Other community members think of other ways to help out. The key here is COMMUNITY!!

Once a month, FRB goes to Capitol Hill to speak with state representatives on its stance of supporting ag developement. FRB usually takes farmers, who are involved in these growing projects, along.

Ron De Weerd, the Development Director for FRB, as well as a friend, invited me to go along and learn more about the relationships FRB is making in DC. I'll be following Rock Valley's Community Growing Project.

went with two couples from Edgerton, Minn. We met Ron and his wife in DC. Monday morning, we hit the ground running! Or, at least walking. We were slowed up a bit by the metro, a bit forgien to us mid-westerners. I've been on metros a handful of times in other cities, but I was completely lost until the last day or so!!

Our first destination was Capitol South, about three trains and 1/2 hr away from our hotel. As we 'emerged' from the metro, I was in awe - More black suits than I have ever seen at a funeral, and people on a mission. Our first meeting was in one of the office buildings of the state reprsentatives, the Longeworth Building. Through security we went, an on to meet the Minn. representaives. The Edgerton couples share their story.

The staffers we extremely hospitable. They listened to Ron & Thea, and Harvey & Judy (Edgerton) tell their story. The staffers repeatedly shared how refresing it was that we were there not to ask for money, but just to share our story. A story of food security that makes sense.

Waiting in the office

of one of the Minn. representaives,

waiting to share our story.

For my broth-in-law,

whose hero is Ronald Reagan.

And for my nephew

who is named after Reagan!!

More later...

Washington DC

was incredible. I'm going to attempt to capture the experience in words. My "old" writing teacher - that's ok to use, I asked him, and besides, he calls himeself old - always said, "show them, don't tell them." I'll never forgot the first time he said that, and it stuck.

I had turned in a paper about my Grandmpa Caswell -- our task was to write about an important parson in our lives. Well, I figured it was a top-notch, slam-dunk essay However, the mark-ups on those poor pages proved otherwise!!

After two days of sobbing - KIDDING! - I kept trying. And, I think I learned a think or two from that "old" guy!

For the record, prof who owned those mark-ups knew, I think, what a great guy Grandpa was. He's distantly related to my gramps.

Grampa was that one who taugh me to drive. What a hero, right? I think so.

----------------

Anyhow, like I said, DC was awesome. I went with a non-profit organization called Foods Resource Bank (FRB) FRB's mission statement is "A Christian Response to World Hunger."

Trufhully, I hadn't given much thought to the way we as a country go about combeting world hunger. We, the most powerful nation in the world, give so much in terms of food aid to other countries. People have food to eat because of the United States. That's a Christian response.......right?

Well, yes...and no.

Stay tuned!

'Emeging' from the Metro near Captitol Hill. By Thursday, the last day, I was begging to understand how it works!

Oh God,

You did this for me! I don't understand. I don't get any of it. Why, in you perfect will, is the brokeness of this world so evident? This was your plan from the beginning of time. Nothing, nothing has, or will ever take you by suprise.

So why, Oh God, did you allow the brokeness to enter in to your perfect world? You could have changed it, because everything has always, and will forever be in your loving hands. But, you chose not to.

You allowed brokeness, because you ARE a loving God.. You did create us in love. You allowed our beauty, joy, and even brokeness to show. Your love for your children so intense that I can't even fathom that love. You rejoice with ME when I rejoice. You hurt with me when I hurt. The Creator, You, my God, of this universe knows me better then anyone!

I really can't wait to meet you!

Not Sure Why

But I'm thinkin' about Heaven tonight. I'm thinking about how glorious that will be.

God is continually teaching me lessons, and when I don't catch on, He gives me a refresher course. He's got 6 billiom others to worry about, and yet He takes time to re-teach me! I feel honored!

I've been through pre-school- twice, kindergarten- twice, 12 grades of school, and then 4 years of Dordt. That's......well, more years then I care to be in school!!

So, you'd think I'd catch on to the lessons that God has been teaching my for my 27 years of life. Some days, I do pretty good. I get a 'gold star' or a smiley face.

But, other days, my Instructor says to me, "You're getting off track a bit, remember what we went over."

My shy response is, "I know. Of course, I get it. I've been studying this stuff for what seems likes ages!"

You know, passing a psychology exam, or even an algebra exam is easy. If you're deligent and look over your notes every night, by test time, you're ready. OR, if you're like me, cramming the night before works relatively well, too!!

However, I've been done with school now for 5 years. But, that doesn't mean I'm done learning. And, unfortunatly, sometimes the lessons of life are harder to learn. Some days, I'm not sure I'm cut out for it.

I'm stubborn. And while that has been one of my greates assets, it has also been a weakness. I'm almost too stubburn sometimes to accept the lessons that God has taught me. I still fight it, even after I've gotten a glimpse of how refreshing it is to embrace these lessons. Not just white-knuckle my way through, but really embracing what I've been taught.

I'm weak. I feel weak these days. But, that's part of the journey, I'm learning.

Here's to that day when the learning will be over....

On the Way

I had a meeting today in Orange City. The Board of Supervisors meeting that is held every Tuesday. I had to be at the Courthouse at 9:30. Usually, the meetings begin at 9:00. Due to a couple of factors, it began a little later. Fine with me!

These days, I'd like to think I'm more calm........sometimes! On the way to OC, I was listening to 96.5. I forget what song was playing at the moment; I want to say it was "Speechless," by Staven Curtis Chapmen. Just then, by Perkins Corner, I was overcome.

Election.....I don't want to exclude/include and denomnation here, because I'm tired of debates. I've grown up knowing about this idea. I even, without unstanding, believed that God, in His perfect love and justice chose His children be time. And I still do.

But, now, I'm beginning to understand, just barely. And it's almost too much to take in.

I have the comfort and assurance that what I believe is real. I know this. I am His. I always was.

But, now, the world almost looks darker then before. The reality of our brokeness is all around.








This world needs Jesus.





So, I guess, the thought of God chosing His Own is comforting, and yet unfathomable. And, if I don't stop here, I'll be in over my head.

--------
While some songs are said to be 'fluffy' and meaninless, I'm thankful that I was listening to 96.5 on the way.

God's Love

Is amazing. . .

I've been in a funk lately. It goes back to the whole "not being ok with all the good things in my life." Why I do this to myself is beyond me.

Contrary to how things appear, I'm generally not ok with myself. The Lord above is changing me, in big ways, though. I'm learning that I'm ok. God's loving arms are constantly around me. No matter how hard I fight, He's not going to let me go. And I'm so thankful.

Even now, as I type these words, making myself vulnerable to those who might read my blog, I'm fearful. You say, "Kelly? The girl who acts as if she can conquer the world?" Yes. Kelly. The girl who acts as if she can conquer the world.

I want so badly for people to like me, that I forget myself. It's easier to focus on other, perhaps, because then I don't need to focus on myself, the life God has chosen for me. While much of our lives ought to be devoted to others, I'm beginning to realize that I need to focus on God's call on my life. In reality, He put me here for some kind of purpose.

Maybe I'm tired of dealing with "professionals" who ask for my gardian - I've had a few of those in the past few weeks. Maybe I'm tired of those - who have good intentions - seeing me out in public, having a nice conversation with a good friend, begin talking to me like a 10 year old. That kind of dampens the conversation!! Maybe I'm just tired, and need a couple of good nights' sleep!!

Whatever the case, I'm confident the He will not let me go!

Life's a journy. My confidence in Him doesn't mean an easy road. But, that's ok. The best is yet to come!

God's going to have his way regardless of my feelings, thoughts, or actions. I can make it easier on myself by deciding to align myself with his will.

DISCLAIMER! I'm not sure how this entry is going to turn out. Futhermore, this is only my experience. Don't read this as "I'm the only one who has dealt with it."

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In my quest to figure out where I fit into God's world, I'm realizing more and more that I don't fit.

My actions - even with the best of intentions - are not recognized. And I'm beginning to be ok with that. Its an ever-present reminder that God demands my full allegience, that nothing else matters. He decides where to go from there, not me.

This makes for a confusing journey sometimes. Maybe I just make it confusing; I've been known to do that. ..

When I step out of the safe world of my apartment, I need to let go. I am not in control. Very few 'recognize' me. Few people look at me and think, "Now there's someone who I can have an intelligent conversation with." Who knows - I probably wouldn't even have an intelligent conversation with me if I weren't me!?!

I love to have fun. Lots of people know this. I love to joke. This causes me to consider what I show others? How do I appear? And is that portrayal accurate?

Well, yes, in some sense. Having a good time is a part of who I am. But its not all of who I am.

Surely, the way to draw people in is NOT by saying, "Now, let's be authentic, here!" That's a real ice-breaker! And besides, I'd likely be seen as 'cute' rather then 'wierd'. Ok, ok, both!!

Authenticity

The journey continues . . .

I'm Reading a Book

By John Bakker. It's called "Making Healing Choices." Figure I can always use wisdom in this area.

This week has been a different week then usual. I have this heaviness about me. For our country. Our world. Friends. Family. I suppose it's good to feel this way sometimes. It's odd, though.

I feel like staying in the bubble of my apartment - now that's crazy! Not because I don't want to see people...I just need to take a time out and refocus.

I feel this pressure - probably self-induced - to be so 'peppy' around people. And while I love to have a good time, that's just one side of me. God has definently blessed me in the ability to have a good time! Nonetheless, that's not all of me.

I guess I'm becomming more at peace with life. Somedays, I take two steps back, but I think God's allowing me to see the big picture. And, that doesn't mean the aches and pains are gone; they just take a different form.

All for Him,

Emotions

I just got finshed writing my articles for the paper this week. Every Tuesday, the County Board of Supervisors convene in the Orange City Court House. I, a member of the press -oh boy - get to sit in on these meetings.

Now, honestly, I figured I'd be watching the clock behind me, waiting for adjournment. However, I am absolutely intriqued! I could've cared less about my government classes in high school, so needless to say, I didn't learn much. But, my perspective if being broadened by the day with this stuff.

This past Tuesday, I experienced a gament of emotions. The board's discusions for the next month or so will focuse on the proposed budget of the county. I have a copy of that budget - all ninety pages of it. With figures of salaries I can only dream of. Then, there's 'general basic', 'non-departmental', and a whole lot of other stuff I've got no clue about. I guess everyone's trying their best to keep costs down this year, which is good.

After some goood budget discussion, the board recieved budget requests from non-profit organnizations in Sioux County. Tuesday, the directors from Family Crisis Center and the Greater Sioux Community Health Center both requested $10,000. I was struck by their words, "we are seeing more and more people all the time."

Then, Haiti. One of my friends was scheduled to fly to Haiti this past Monday. But, because she contracted Hepititas during her last trip there, in November - nearly needing a liver transplant - she did not go. The little boy she and her husband plan to adopt -1 of 800,000 orphans she said- is ok.

I can't even imagine. I've been trying to reason - I know, here I go again - why this happened. To a country like Haiti.

I just got finished with a book, "Traveling Light." Lucado reminded me that God doesn't send evil our way. Actually, He holds it back most of the time, allowing it to rear its ugliness only at appointented times. That's the only way my mind can even begin to understand such devastation.

But, still, I'm not so happy with that - I've always pushed the limits. Why Haiti? Why such extreme devestation?

Finally, tonight, one of our pastors preached on John 8 tonight. I'm going to completly put this in simple terms, because I'm no preacher... Basically, Jesus was rebuking the Jews because they didn't believe he was the Christ. The sermon was on our belief in Jesus as God's Son; the Savior. And how nothing but that belief in Jesus as the Savior will save us. NOTHING. nothing

And to know I'm safe for eternity. Because of grace.

I can barely imagine that, either...

The Grinder

Convicted

Before, I thought that was a fun word. People would say, “I was convicted by the Holy Spirit,” or “That really convicted me.” And while these experiences are powerful…I hesitate to say they’re ‘fun.’

Because I’m changing. By the day. By the hour, it seems.

I haven’t been graceful. I haven’t been loving. For the better part of my young adulthood, I let my stubbornness and will take over. I rejected the help of others. While I’ve figured out how to live relatively independently -- and because of this, many things are ‘easier’ without assistance; I’ve become innovative in my years! – this ‘blessing’ doesn’t give me permission to be ungraceful.

The frightening fact is that I may have the responsibility to have more grace, be more loving. This is daunting.

My iron will, my ‘identity’ – or so I thought – is slowly being grinded down, made into a different shape. Like something we have that can get annoying, but to give it up seems unimaginable.

And, I don’t know what the Grinder is shaping, because I surely am not doing the grinding. I’ve watched my dad do this. Besides the likelihood of cutting an arm off, the finished product would be utterly useless!

All I know is this – I didn’t realize how much energy I was expending on my false identity. Now that I know how freeing it is to break free from that, I hope the Grinder keeps working.

Because although it’s a difficult, confusing, sometimes painful process, I don’t want to go back.

Wee Fit

Well, I was at a friend's house tonight, trying out her Wii Fit. I honestly didn't understand how those things worked until seeing one. They're really cool! And fun!

So, I tried a few of the excercises. And, to my shock and dismay, Wii Fit catagorized me and "unbalanced!" I declare! hehehe. We had a good laugh!

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On Monday, I'll be traveling to Iowa City to meet with the folks at the Center for Disabilities and Developement. It's a part of the University of Iowa. I'm going to have an occipational therapy and an assistive technology evaluation done.

I've known about this place for quite a long time, but didn't think I needed anything it had to offer. I simply was doing fine on my own - why go to a place where I'd suddenly feel like a little blond haired, blued eyed school girl in a flash? All that support; it's for the birds! Nevermind the fact that I destroy USB cables faster then then Microsoft comes out with a new program, or that I spent more time setting up my laptop then actually using it. Those are minor annoyances.

I'll probably still feel like a little munchkin as I walk into this place on Monday, but I know it'll be good for me to go. Maybe I'll discover a thing or two.

Imagine the stuff I'd get done if there's something out there to help me work more efficiently.........and I'd do less talking.........wow...........

I've had this book tucked away in my overnight bag for a while. I though maybe I'd read it during my recovery from surgery - that was in August! Obviously, that didn't happen, and now another one of my secrets is revealed -I don't unpack to quickly!!

I've had this book "Prepared to Answer" ever since its author, Rob van de Weghe, came to speak at our church retreat last June. If you've been reading my blog, I'm always referring to the fact that maybe I think a little too much. And although this book is right up my alley, I was always a bit afraid to begin reading it. What if I can't satisfy my ever-present need to know how and why and what. Forget believing for a minute, what if I can't make logical sense of everything?

Well, I am through the introduction. And I'm excited to read on. I hesitate to say this, but I think I'm ready for what this book has to teach me.

Personally, I need to be doing more believing. Yes, I have so much to learn - more then anyone, it feels like-, but none of it will matter without believing that it all happened.

And - by the way, after reading the intro I thought to myself, I'm glad I am and feel safe that I'm in the hands of Jesus - and one day I'll literally be in His hands!!

This is perhaps the most precious picture of the season. I cute, yes, but that's not what grabs me. Here, my 1 year old niece appears to be gliding across the white snow. Peaceful, like a little angel. And while she is an angel, she doesn't always move so peacefully! She's here, there, and everywhere! And when she wants to make her presence known, she does it in one way - screaming. And to her auntie, it's all precious!