I'm Reading a Book

By John Bakker. It's called "Making Healing Choices." Figure I can always use wisdom in this area.

This week has been a different week then usual. I have this heaviness about me. For our country. Our world. Friends. Family. I suppose it's good to feel this way sometimes. It's odd, though.

I feel like staying in the bubble of my apartment - now that's crazy! Not because I don't want to see people...I just need to take a time out and refocus.

I feel this pressure - probably self-induced - to be so 'peppy' around people. And while I love to have a good time, that's just one side of me. God has definently blessed me in the ability to have a good time! Nonetheless, that's not all of me.

I guess I'm becomming more at peace with life. Somedays, I take two steps back, but I think God's allowing me to see the big picture. And, that doesn't mean the aches and pains are gone; they just take a different form.

All for Him,

Emotions

I just got finshed writing my articles for the paper this week. Every Tuesday, the County Board of Supervisors convene in the Orange City Court House. I, a member of the press -oh boy - get to sit in on these meetings.

Now, honestly, I figured I'd be watching the clock behind me, waiting for adjournment. However, I am absolutely intriqued! I could've cared less about my government classes in high school, so needless to say, I didn't learn much. But, my perspective if being broadened by the day with this stuff.

This past Tuesday, I experienced a gament of emotions. The board's discusions for the next month or so will focuse on the proposed budget of the county. I have a copy of that budget - all ninety pages of it. With figures of salaries I can only dream of. Then, there's 'general basic', 'non-departmental', and a whole lot of other stuff I've got no clue about. I guess everyone's trying their best to keep costs down this year, which is good.

After some goood budget discussion, the board recieved budget requests from non-profit organnizations in Sioux County. Tuesday, the directors from Family Crisis Center and the Greater Sioux Community Health Center both requested $10,000. I was struck by their words, "we are seeing more and more people all the time."

Then, Haiti. One of my friends was scheduled to fly to Haiti this past Monday. But, because she contracted Hepititas during her last trip there, in November - nearly needing a liver transplant - she did not go. The little boy she and her husband plan to adopt -1 of 800,000 orphans she said- is ok.

I can't even imagine. I've been trying to reason - I know, here I go again - why this happened. To a country like Haiti.

I just got finished with a book, "Traveling Light." Lucado reminded me that God doesn't send evil our way. Actually, He holds it back most of the time, allowing it to rear its ugliness only at appointented times. That's the only way my mind can even begin to understand such devastation.

But, still, I'm not so happy with that - I've always pushed the limits. Why Haiti? Why such extreme devestation?

Finally, tonight, one of our pastors preached on John 8 tonight. I'm going to completly put this in simple terms, because I'm no preacher... Basically, Jesus was rebuking the Jews because they didn't believe he was the Christ. The sermon was on our belief in Jesus as God's Son; the Savior. And how nothing but that belief in Jesus as the Savior will save us. NOTHING. nothing

And to know I'm safe for eternity. Because of grace.

I can barely imagine that, either...

The Grinder

Convicted

Before, I thought that was a fun word. People would say, “I was convicted by the Holy Spirit,” or “That really convicted me.” And while these experiences are powerful…I hesitate to say they’re ‘fun.’

Because I’m changing. By the day. By the hour, it seems.

I haven’t been graceful. I haven’t been loving. For the better part of my young adulthood, I let my stubbornness and will take over. I rejected the help of others. While I’ve figured out how to live relatively independently -- and because of this, many things are ‘easier’ without assistance; I’ve become innovative in my years! – this ‘blessing’ doesn’t give me permission to be ungraceful.

The frightening fact is that I may have the responsibility to have more grace, be more loving. This is daunting.

My iron will, my ‘identity’ – or so I thought – is slowly being grinded down, made into a different shape. Like something we have that can get annoying, but to give it up seems unimaginable.

And, I don’t know what the Grinder is shaping, because I surely am not doing the grinding. I’ve watched my dad do this. Besides the likelihood of cutting an arm off, the finished product would be utterly useless!

All I know is this – I didn’t realize how much energy I was expending on my false identity. Now that I know how freeing it is to break free from that, I hope the Grinder keeps working.

Because although it’s a difficult, confusing, sometimes painful process, I don’t want to go back.

Wee Fit

Well, I was at a friend's house tonight, trying out her Wii Fit. I honestly didn't understand how those things worked until seeing one. They're really cool! And fun!

So, I tried a few of the excercises. And, to my shock and dismay, Wii Fit catagorized me and "unbalanced!" I declare! hehehe. We had a good laugh!

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On Monday, I'll be traveling to Iowa City to meet with the folks at the Center for Disabilities and Developement. It's a part of the University of Iowa. I'm going to have an occipational therapy and an assistive technology evaluation done.

I've known about this place for quite a long time, but didn't think I needed anything it had to offer. I simply was doing fine on my own - why go to a place where I'd suddenly feel like a little blond haired, blued eyed school girl in a flash? All that support; it's for the birds! Nevermind the fact that I destroy USB cables faster then then Microsoft comes out with a new program, or that I spent more time setting up my laptop then actually using it. Those are minor annoyances.

I'll probably still feel like a little munchkin as I walk into this place on Monday, but I know it'll be good for me to go. Maybe I'll discover a thing or two.

Imagine the stuff I'd get done if there's something out there to help me work more efficiently.........and I'd do less talking.........wow...........

I've had this book tucked away in my overnight bag for a while. I though maybe I'd read it during my recovery from surgery - that was in August! Obviously, that didn't happen, and now another one of my secrets is revealed -I don't unpack to quickly!!

I've had this book "Prepared to Answer" ever since its author, Rob van de Weghe, came to speak at our church retreat last June. If you've been reading my blog, I'm always referring to the fact that maybe I think a little too much. And although this book is right up my alley, I was always a bit afraid to begin reading it. What if I can't satisfy my ever-present need to know how and why and what. Forget believing for a minute, what if I can't make logical sense of everything?

Well, I am through the introduction. And I'm excited to read on. I hesitate to say this, but I think I'm ready for what this book has to teach me.

Personally, I need to be doing more believing. Yes, I have so much to learn - more then anyone, it feels like-, but none of it will matter without believing that it all happened.

And - by the way, after reading the intro I thought to myself, I'm glad I am and feel safe that I'm in the hands of Jesus - and one day I'll literally be in His hands!!

This is perhaps the most precious picture of the season. I cute, yes, but that's not what grabs me. Here, my 1 year old niece appears to be gliding across the white snow. Peaceful, like a little angel. And while she is an angel, she doesn't always move so peacefully! She's here, there, and everywhere! And when she wants to make her presence known, she does it in one way - screaming. And to her auntie, it's all precious!