On the Way

I had a meeting today in Orange City. The Board of Supervisors meeting that is held every Tuesday. I had to be at the Courthouse at 9:30. Usually, the meetings begin at 9:00. Due to a couple of factors, it began a little later. Fine with me!

These days, I'd like to think I'm more calm........sometimes! On the way to OC, I was listening to 96.5. I forget what song was playing at the moment; I want to say it was "Speechless," by Staven Curtis Chapmen. Just then, by Perkins Corner, I was overcome.

Election.....I don't want to exclude/include and denomnation here, because I'm tired of debates. I've grown up knowing about this idea. I even, without unstanding, believed that God, in His perfect love and justice chose His children be time. And I still do.

But, now, I'm beginning to understand, just barely. And it's almost too much to take in.

I have the comfort and assurance that what I believe is real. I know this. I am His. I always was.

But, now, the world almost looks darker then before. The reality of our brokeness is all around.








This world needs Jesus.





So, I guess, the thought of God chosing His Own is comforting, and yet unfathomable. And, if I don't stop here, I'll be in over my head.

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While some songs are said to be 'fluffy' and meaninless, I'm thankful that I was listening to 96.5 on the way.

God's Love

Is amazing. . .

I've been in a funk lately. It goes back to the whole "not being ok with all the good things in my life." Why I do this to myself is beyond me.

Contrary to how things appear, I'm generally not ok with myself. The Lord above is changing me, in big ways, though. I'm learning that I'm ok. God's loving arms are constantly around me. No matter how hard I fight, He's not going to let me go. And I'm so thankful.

Even now, as I type these words, making myself vulnerable to those who might read my blog, I'm fearful. You say, "Kelly? The girl who acts as if she can conquer the world?" Yes. Kelly. The girl who acts as if she can conquer the world.

I want so badly for people to like me, that I forget myself. It's easier to focus on other, perhaps, because then I don't need to focus on myself, the life God has chosen for me. While much of our lives ought to be devoted to others, I'm beginning to realize that I need to focus on God's call on my life. In reality, He put me here for some kind of purpose.

Maybe I'm tired of dealing with "professionals" who ask for my gardian - I've had a few of those in the past few weeks. Maybe I'm tired of those - who have good intentions - seeing me out in public, having a nice conversation with a good friend, begin talking to me like a 10 year old. That kind of dampens the conversation!! Maybe I'm just tired, and need a couple of good nights' sleep!!

Whatever the case, I'm confident the He will not let me go!

Life's a journy. My confidence in Him doesn't mean an easy road. But, that's ok. The best is yet to come!

God's going to have his way regardless of my feelings, thoughts, or actions. I can make it easier on myself by deciding to align myself with his will.

DISCLAIMER! I'm not sure how this entry is going to turn out. Futhermore, this is only my experience. Don't read this as "I'm the only one who has dealt with it."

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In my quest to figure out where I fit into God's world, I'm realizing more and more that I don't fit.

My actions - even with the best of intentions - are not recognized. And I'm beginning to be ok with that. Its an ever-present reminder that God demands my full allegience, that nothing else matters. He decides where to go from there, not me.

This makes for a confusing journey sometimes. Maybe I just make it confusing; I've been known to do that. ..

When I step out of the safe world of my apartment, I need to let go. I am not in control. Very few 'recognize' me. Few people look at me and think, "Now there's someone who I can have an intelligent conversation with." Who knows - I probably wouldn't even have an intelligent conversation with me if I weren't me!?!

I love to have fun. Lots of people know this. I love to joke. This causes me to consider what I show others? How do I appear? And is that portrayal accurate?

Well, yes, in some sense. Having a good time is a part of who I am. But its not all of who I am.

Surely, the way to draw people in is NOT by saying, "Now, let's be authentic, here!" That's a real ice-breaker! And besides, I'd likely be seen as 'cute' rather then 'wierd'. Ok, ok, both!!

Authenticity

The journey continues . . .