But, this, this is real. This is part of me. And putting words to my thoughts and feeling has, in my opinion, freed me to be more of the things I love to be. So, here it goes............
September 7, 2009
Healing
Kelly Vander Pol
This past Sunday morning, I felt a nudge; a nudge that I couldn’t shake. It started with Pastor Mark’s plea from the pulpit for just a few more Sunday school teachers. I bumped Ric Kooistra, who was sitting next to me, and whispered, “Ric, there ya go! They need teachers; go to it!” Sighing, he replied, “Yea; on top of Mission Committee, Long Range Planning Committee, and Council? I don’t think so.”
That’s when I started thinking; and couldn’t stop. I was antsy, and Pastor Mark had only begun the message.
Ric’s response was/is all too familiar among church members today, especially those with busy family and work schedules; so busy with the daily routine, that it’d be nice to say “no,” but feeling obligated to serve. (I’m in no way blaming people for this way of thinking/feeling. Family life, especially with school aged children, is challenging and demanding.)
However, I couldn’t resist asking myself, “I wonder how that feels? To be used vitally in the church, and yet wanting a break from the busyness of “being used.”
And then my thoughts wondered further. I wonder what it’d be like to use my gifts and having them be honestly valued; not just given the opportunity to “do my part,” only to satisfy a good deed, something I am familiar with. (eg. This spring I volunteered to create sign-up sheets for the retreat. The following Sunday, the sign-up sheets were not the ones that I had created; they were completely different. Instead of asking me to change the format—which would’ve been completely appropriate--, someone had gone ahead and made new. This only makes more work for others, and conveys a negative message to me.) I am no stranger to the sincere intentions of others, allowing me to ‘do my part’ and then bouncing back into reality….almost is if I’m an eager child wanting to act like an adult. I also know the sting of outright rejection. Frankly, if I had the choice, I’d likely choose rejection.
Having experienced these acts; the act of patronization as well as rejection, the idea of ‘putting myself out there,” leading to vulnerability, is daunting. I’m frightened by the thought of putting my heart into the act of service, knowing the possible outcome. Isn’t that just like us? To be frightened by the judgment of others, rather then confident in the call of God?
As frightened as I am to be vulnerable, I’m more frightened to stay silent. I have been proactively seeking out opportunities to serve, and find myself having the opportunity to serve on the fellowship committee this coming year. I ask for your prayers as I strive to put everything I’ve got into this experience.
Some of you may know a little about my struggle over the past several years. The road has been long and difficult; a road that I don’t want to travel again. I’m on the threshold of a new chapter. I want… rather, I need to use these gifts that God has given me. He has never left me; even when I couldn’t reach out to Him. I owe Him my willingness and commitment to serve, regardless of the responses I might receive.
Along with my renewed commitment to serve my Lord, I have a renewed longing to learn; to learn from His word, experiences, and others. As much as I pray that my road of suffering is over for good, I know that I’m still on this side of heaven. Therefore, I’m going to put on “the full armor of God,’ so I can be a ready and willing child of God.
Tomorrow night will mark the first session of the class on forgiveness, which I will take part in. I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity to learn about this most difficult yet freeing act. As I walk into the room, I’ll assume each person is in that class because of circumstances in life that have led them to desire a deeper understanding of forgiveness. I’ll have the hope of learning from each person there. Ultimately, I’ll hope to learn how to practice the act of forgiveness more often, glorifying God through it.
So, I am here, standing for you, asking you to pray with me. Pray that I will hold myself accountable for using the gifts God has given me. Pray that I will push my hesitations and fears aside, and focus on God’s call. Pray, too, that Trinity, my home church, will hold me accountable as a valued member of the body. We need each other. I need this church and, the church needs me, as it needs all members.
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