October 26. 2009-10-26
Wow, it's been a busy week! That's good, though; I like being busy. And, I am excited about walking, hence the title. A bit of background would prove helpful here. A couple weeks ago, I went to my sister's in BC for the baptism of their fourth child. With every new birth in our family, the miracle of life and the faithfulness of God become more real to me. We had a great time.... Anyway, Amy told me to take my crutches along in case we'd go to Mt. Baker. Well, as always, I was scrambling to get things ready to go the night before, and I remembered the instruction from Amy about taking my crutches along. Ugh. Not wanting to disappoint my big sis, I conceded to the idea. They couldn't hurt, and Amy would be impressed at my obedience:) So, I dusted the cob-webs off my two companions that I've used probably 4 times in the past decade, and placed them by the door for the early departure in the morning.
Sleepy and not-so-chipper, I awaited my mom and dad's 4am pick-up. Dad was a bit surprised when he came to my door to see my suitcase and crutches waiting for transport. "Can you take the screws out of these and put them in your bag (it was a large bag, one of those with wheels) till we get to BC?" I asked. Turns out, the wing nuts(I think they're called) were missing from the screws(or something; hey, I'm not mechanically inclined. ;p ) Basically, they were going to be a bugger to take apart. So, I figured I had a couple options, A) carry them B) use them! I'd probably look absolutely ridiculous carrying something I should use, so I chose B. The rest is history.............they really did help! Imagine that, now!
In all seriousness, I feel like a new person. From walking in the airports to getting through a mile-long corn maze, the difference was amazing. Not to be overly dramatic, but I compared myself to my newborn nephew, who loves to look at everything. For the first time in quite a while, I could look around as I walked. The corn maze was so much fun; corn is tall! :) I could help with the navigation (not that I am any good) instead of merely trying to get through it. (I'm recalling my brother-in-law trying to pull a fast one on me at one of the posts...and I fell for it! A moment of weakness, I guess!) I found myself laughing and engaging with those around me. I went walking with the girls, and enjoyed my nieces feed the goats and the cows. I enjoyed walking the mall(something the women of our family do best)! Thanks, mom, for the clothes. :) I carved a pumpkin with my nephew. Amazing feeling.
So I became convinced that these were/are a nessecity for me. I asked my dad if he realized how good these were for me, and, if so, why not tell me? Ever so calmly he said he indeed knew how much they helped. He took the opportunity(being his opportunistic self) to remind me that he'd been telling me this for the last 12 years, and that I was too stubborn to listen. I'm an all-star when it comes to arguing, but I had nothing to say. He was right!
I made a decision. When I returned home, I was going to make the arrangements to get fitted for new churches. That brought me to a week ago; my appointment with a physical therapist. After our introductions and the required paperwork were completed, we got down to business. The PT did some strength testing and questioning me on my pain level; all that stuff. OK, great, we got that out of the way. "Now let me see you walk with your crutches," she says. Yea, I think. Now were really getting down to business. I was excited to begin the process of getting fitted for a new pair. I wasn't even 5 feet into my walk when I heard the PT say, "Kelly, I'm afraid you're going to take someone out with those things! Stop!" She explained that, because of the spasticity in my arms, thus creating irregular movements, I was too unstable with the crutches. Great. Here we go. I had forgotten why physical therapy was less then appealing to me.........now I remembered(and I told her that!). Ok, I thought, I know all this stuff; I have arms that go everywhere. I'm a spaz - literally! But, I've had crutches from 1st grade(pink ones, to be exact) up until the start of my freshman year of high school, when I figured I was entirely to cool for these menaces! It's not like I was trying crutches for the first time in my life.
And then the shocker............"I really think you need a walker," said the PT to the very stubborn KVP. Even if I had amnesia, I'd be convinced that we had never met before. Really, this PT was extremely kind and personable; I really do like her. Just not what she was saying.
"What?!" I said in disbelief. "Are you serious?" She proceeded to give her take on things. Basically, she explained the crutches as being extensions of my arms. Whatever my arms do, the crutches follow suit. That's not good for the people who my cross paths with me - our paths wouldn't cross, but collide. And I'd get the ticket! I - and the people that knew me with crutches -knew this, too, but I guess we just made it work. It was kind of like the white elephant in the room, except it was the wooden crutch!
The PT also reminded me that I was wearing my knees and hips out by walking the way I do. One of my best, oldest(in terms of relationships) friends endearingly calls me cinder block feet. Let's just say sneaking up on people isn't one of my talents! I swing my left hip out when I walk; and I don't do it to get a guy's attention(although that'd be nice)!
"So, what are you saying?" I said, knowing full well the answer, but just being me. She had me try a walker. They didn't have one of the new models there at the time, so I tried an older one - the kind used more for support, rather then mobility. She put a belt around me(another indication she had just met me:)), and away we went. Pleasantly walking along. We did a few laps and we assessed the situation.
Meanwhile, the PT assistant was already on the phone to the Home Health Supplier in Sioux Center ordering a new model walker to be delivered for me to try at my next appt.
"Blue or Red?" she asked me.
"Invisible," I replied.
The PT pointed out that I was actually taller when I was using the walker because I was standing really straight. I wasn't stamping down on my knee so hard, and with practice, I'd be able to control that hip a little. Both the PT and the assistant said I actually appear less obvious with a walker then with crutches.
That was all the time we had for that day. Obviously, I didn't scare this poor PT too much. We scheduled another appointment for Thursday.
I spent the next couple of days processing this all. Going from using my crutches only a handful to times in the past 12 years, and then agreeing to take them along on my BC trip, to learning that the best option for me may be a walker. I began to think back on those 12 years, and all the experience they've brought with them. I can still picture the cloudy sky on the first day of freshman year. I was standing outside in my favorite shirt then - a gray t-shirt from the Gap - and my 'cool' Buckle jean shorts. I was waiting, with my backpack in hand, and my crutches. I remember how cumbersome those things were on the bus. I remember the bus driver greeting me with a smile, and offering help. I remember who I sat by as well; a great friend to this day. I then recalled the process of getting 'free" of the crutches; 100% stubbornness on my part. And everything following that. The "normal' high school stuff, the experiences, the trips, the complicated simplicity of it all. College, dreams, and struggles. Life happened in those 12 years.
Thursday came. and the new walker was there waiting, still in the plastic. It was red. I had asked a close friend if she wanted to come to my appt. She said she would. I wanted her opinion. She arrived just in time to see me rev up the walker and take off. Only I didn't take off as planned. I swiveled! The new walkers have nice big wheels, allowing for high speeds! The wheels also swivel. Swivel wheels and spastic CP don't mix apparently! It didn't work! But, not to worry, though! The PT turned the walker around(Just to experiment) and had me try pushing it backwards. That worked better as the back wheels were locked. She was, however, afraid I was going to hurt myself as my knees slightly bumped the front bar(I was trying this backwards for now, remember). Yet another indicator that we've only met twice! The least of my worries was slightly bumping my knees for the time being. (But, yes, I did understand her concern.) The experiment worked. We concluded that a walker with locked wheels would indeed work. However, I wanted to give my friend an accurate picture of how I walked with a walker. The PT got out the older model and we took a few laps. I asked my friend to watch. "How do I look?" I asked. Her opinion was similar to the PT's and the assistant's. I do look less obvious and more controlled. I did point out that her 2 yr old son would probably love sitting on the seat(the new ones have seats.). She agreed, saying that people would be looking at the cute kid instead of me! That was a good thought!
This is perhaps a good time to inform you that the PT I'd grown so fond of(I'm sure the feeling was mutual:)) in 1.5 hours of knowing her, was a fill-in from Sioux Falls. The drama of it all - I know! :) So, this was the perfect time to let her know I wanted to go see the PT I saw when I was in school (I thought this PT had still worked for AREA 4. But found out through a friend she was in OC.) In all seriousness, I didn't like doing that because I trusted this person's judgment as well. I did, however, want my previous PT's opinion. The assistant, who actually knew who I was referring to, graciously understood. I asked if they could touch base on what we done in the past week. She said they could fax the report over. I was very appreciative. (Confused yet? Great!). I'm probably one of those patients who drive the medical professionals crazy! Ugh. Sorry:(
That brings me to this past Friday, the last weekday and my last appt. of the week. I'm not fond of sitting around in doctor's offices/hospitals, but I didn't care on Friday. I was so excited to see her! We caught up on each other's lives as she was looking me over. I kept saying, "You’re going to yell at me. I'm in bad shape!" Well, she didn't yell. She was always nice, though! So, we looked at the report together, and discussed what's our best options are. And that's were I'm at. discussing(No, I'm not sitting here talking to myself. :P) I'm thinking, I'm writing, and asking.
What do I think? What do I not think? (Thinking is a hobby for me. Can't decide if that's good or bad!) I agree. With everything. Meeting me walking with crutches in hand is like dodging a bullet! Maybe I'm like Moses, parting the red sea. A walker gives me a ton of stability/support, making it so much more pleasant to walk. (When I asked the SF PT if I could get that stable with crutches, she thought not, because of the spasticity and tone in me. I'm a spaz with bad tone! ) I enjoy looking up when I walk, instead of looking at shoes that are worn out in the toe because I drag them. Maybe if I get really good, I can get shoes that look good beyond two days of wearing them! Then I'll want to stare at my shoes:) I love being able to talk while I walk. Another dear friend of mine acts as if she needs to perform CPR on me every time we walk somewhere beyond 10 feet! It's not so real to me yet, but I'm realizing that I probably am wearing out my knees and hips. I don't feel like having those replaced anytime soon. Perhaps I don't need a wheelchair when I go in trips if I use a walker. I owe my incredibly precious cuz for so much, including all those wheelchair rides. I think of the countless people who've given me the 'chicken wings' (arms) to hold on to. Probably the biggest reason I am taking this decision so heavily is that I've felt better in the past 5 months or so then I have in a long while. And this 'new' old discovery has only made everything brighter.
Isn't that kinda like life? We're so eager to get rid of the things that 'weigh' us down. At least I am. A year ago, even, I would've never entertained the idea of a walker, much less write about it! However, this is teaching me that I need to be a bit more realistic. And while this is quite a breakthrough for me, I still have a lonnnnnng way to go. I'm reminded of my dad's response to my excitement of my discorvery: "Well, I've always wondered why you thought you needed to quite using them." Or my big sis, who encouraged me to take them. And mom, whose been right there, even when I did everything to push her away.
I'm humbled by the people in my life who've accepted me for who I am. Even before I accepted me for me. What's that saying...........something about no one can accept you for you until you accept you for you. Well, I apologize to whoever came up with that quote(and for not quoting it correctly........I'll find it), but at 4am I'm going to have to disagree. I don't think I accepted myself until just recently. In fact, I feel like a big fat imposter for those people who thought/think I was something worth admiring. Because, really, none of us are worth anything without the Grace and Love of Jesus Christ. That's it.
The song, “Grace Like Rain” is playing right now. I sat and just listened to the words.
Grace Like Rain – Todd Agnew
Amazing grace, how sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like meI once was lost but now I'm foundWas blind but now I see so clearly
Chorus:Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on meHallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fearAnd grace my fears relievedHow precious did that grace appearThe hour I first believed
Chorus
When we've been there ten thousand yearsBright shining as the sunWe've no less days to sing Your praiseThan when we first begun
Wow, that totally turned out different then I expected!
Life’s a journey!
Wow, it's been a busy week! That's good, though; I like being busy. And, I am excited about walking, hence the title. A bit of background would prove helpful here. A couple weeks ago, I went to my sister's in BC for the baptism of their fourth child. With every new birth in our family, the miracle of life and the faithfulness of God become more real to me. We had a great time.... Anyway, Amy told me to take my crutches along in case we'd go to Mt. Baker. Well, as always, I was scrambling to get things ready to go the night before, and I remembered the instruction from Amy about taking my crutches along. Ugh. Not wanting to disappoint my big sis, I conceded to the idea. They couldn't hurt, and Amy would be impressed at my obedience:) So, I dusted the cob-webs off my two companions that I've used probably 4 times in the past decade, and placed them by the door for the early departure in the morning.
Sleepy and not-so-chipper, I awaited my mom and dad's 4am pick-up. Dad was a bit surprised when he came to my door to see my suitcase and crutches waiting for transport. "Can you take the screws out of these and put them in your bag (it was a large bag, one of those with wheels) till we get to BC?" I asked. Turns out, the wing nuts(I think they're called) were missing from the screws(or something; hey, I'm not mechanically inclined. ;p ) Basically, they were going to be a bugger to take apart. So, I figured I had a couple options, A) carry them B) use them! I'd probably look absolutely ridiculous carrying something I should use, so I chose B. The rest is history.............they really did help! Imagine that, now!
In all seriousness, I feel like a new person. From walking in the airports to getting through a mile-long corn maze, the difference was amazing. Not to be overly dramatic, but I compared myself to my newborn nephew, who loves to look at everything. For the first time in quite a while, I could look around as I walked. The corn maze was so much fun; corn is tall! :) I could help with the navigation (not that I am any good) instead of merely trying to get through it. (I'm recalling my brother-in-law trying to pull a fast one on me at one of the posts...and I fell for it! A moment of weakness, I guess!) I found myself laughing and engaging with those around me. I went walking with the girls, and enjoyed my nieces feed the goats and the cows. I enjoyed walking the mall(something the women of our family do best)! Thanks, mom, for the clothes. :) I carved a pumpkin with my nephew. Amazing feeling.
So I became convinced that these were/are a nessecity for me. I asked my dad if he realized how good these were for me, and, if so, why not tell me? Ever so calmly he said he indeed knew how much they helped. He took the opportunity(being his opportunistic self) to remind me that he'd been telling me this for the last 12 years, and that I was too stubborn to listen. I'm an all-star when it comes to arguing, but I had nothing to say. He was right!
I made a decision. When I returned home, I was going to make the arrangements to get fitted for new churches. That brought me to a week ago; my appointment with a physical therapist. After our introductions and the required paperwork were completed, we got down to business. The PT did some strength testing and questioning me on my pain level; all that stuff. OK, great, we got that out of the way. "Now let me see you walk with your crutches," she says. Yea, I think. Now were really getting down to business. I was excited to begin the process of getting fitted for a new pair. I wasn't even 5 feet into my walk when I heard the PT say, "Kelly, I'm afraid you're going to take someone out with those things! Stop!" She explained that, because of the spasticity in my arms, thus creating irregular movements, I was too unstable with the crutches. Great. Here we go. I had forgotten why physical therapy was less then appealing to me.........now I remembered(and I told her that!). Ok, I thought, I know all this stuff; I have arms that go everywhere. I'm a spaz - literally! But, I've had crutches from 1st grade(pink ones, to be exact) up until the start of my freshman year of high school, when I figured I was entirely to cool for these menaces! It's not like I was trying crutches for the first time in my life.
And then the shocker............"I really think you need a walker," said the PT to the very stubborn KVP. Even if I had amnesia, I'd be convinced that we had never met before. Really, this PT was extremely kind and personable; I really do like her. Just not what she was saying.
"What?!" I said in disbelief. "Are you serious?" She proceeded to give her take on things. Basically, she explained the crutches as being extensions of my arms. Whatever my arms do, the crutches follow suit. That's not good for the people who my cross paths with me - our paths wouldn't cross, but collide. And I'd get the ticket! I - and the people that knew me with crutches -knew this, too, but I guess we just made it work. It was kind of like the white elephant in the room, except it was the wooden crutch!
The PT also reminded me that I was wearing my knees and hips out by walking the way I do. One of my best, oldest(in terms of relationships) friends endearingly calls me cinder block feet. Let's just say sneaking up on people isn't one of my talents! I swing my left hip out when I walk; and I don't do it to get a guy's attention(although that'd be nice)!
"So, what are you saying?" I said, knowing full well the answer, but just being me. She had me try a walker. They didn't have one of the new models there at the time, so I tried an older one - the kind used more for support, rather then mobility. She put a belt around me(another indication she had just met me:)), and away we went. Pleasantly walking along. We did a few laps and we assessed the situation.
Meanwhile, the PT assistant was already on the phone to the Home Health Supplier in Sioux Center ordering a new model walker to be delivered for me to try at my next appt.
"Blue or Red?" she asked me.
"Invisible," I replied.
The PT pointed out that I was actually taller when I was using the walker because I was standing really straight. I wasn't stamping down on my knee so hard, and with practice, I'd be able to control that hip a little. Both the PT and the assistant said I actually appear less obvious with a walker then with crutches.
That was all the time we had for that day. Obviously, I didn't scare this poor PT too much. We scheduled another appointment for Thursday.
I spent the next couple of days processing this all. Going from using my crutches only a handful to times in the past 12 years, and then agreeing to take them along on my BC trip, to learning that the best option for me may be a walker. I began to think back on those 12 years, and all the experience they've brought with them. I can still picture the cloudy sky on the first day of freshman year. I was standing outside in my favorite shirt then - a gray t-shirt from the Gap - and my 'cool' Buckle jean shorts. I was waiting, with my backpack in hand, and my crutches. I remember how cumbersome those things were on the bus. I remember the bus driver greeting me with a smile, and offering help. I remember who I sat by as well; a great friend to this day. I then recalled the process of getting 'free" of the crutches; 100% stubbornness on my part. And everything following that. The "normal' high school stuff, the experiences, the trips, the complicated simplicity of it all. College, dreams, and struggles. Life happened in those 12 years.
Thursday came. and the new walker was there waiting, still in the plastic. It was red. I had asked a close friend if she wanted to come to my appt. She said she would. I wanted her opinion. She arrived just in time to see me rev up the walker and take off. Only I didn't take off as planned. I swiveled! The new walkers have nice big wheels, allowing for high speeds! The wheels also swivel. Swivel wheels and spastic CP don't mix apparently! It didn't work! But, not to worry, though! The PT turned the walker around(Just to experiment) and had me try pushing it backwards. That worked better as the back wheels were locked. She was, however, afraid I was going to hurt myself as my knees slightly bumped the front bar(I was trying this backwards for now, remember). Yet another indicator that we've only met twice! The least of my worries was slightly bumping my knees for the time being. (But, yes, I did understand her concern.) The experiment worked. We concluded that a walker with locked wheels would indeed work. However, I wanted to give my friend an accurate picture of how I walked with a walker. The PT got out the older model and we took a few laps. I asked my friend to watch. "How do I look?" I asked. Her opinion was similar to the PT's and the assistant's. I do look less obvious and more controlled. I did point out that her 2 yr old son would probably love sitting on the seat(the new ones have seats.). She agreed, saying that people would be looking at the cute kid instead of me! That was a good thought!
This is perhaps a good time to inform you that the PT I'd grown so fond of(I'm sure the feeling was mutual:)) in 1.5 hours of knowing her, was a fill-in from Sioux Falls. The drama of it all - I know! :) So, this was the perfect time to let her know I wanted to go see the PT I saw when I was in school (I thought this PT had still worked for AREA 4. But found out through a friend she was in OC.) In all seriousness, I didn't like doing that because I trusted this person's judgment as well. I did, however, want my previous PT's opinion. The assistant, who actually knew who I was referring to, graciously understood. I asked if they could touch base on what we done in the past week. She said they could fax the report over. I was very appreciative. (Confused yet? Great!). I'm probably one of those patients who drive the medical professionals crazy! Ugh. Sorry:(
That brings me to this past Friday, the last weekday and my last appt. of the week. I'm not fond of sitting around in doctor's offices/hospitals, but I didn't care on Friday. I was so excited to see her! We caught up on each other's lives as she was looking me over. I kept saying, "You’re going to yell at me. I'm in bad shape!" Well, she didn't yell. She was always nice, though! So, we looked at the report together, and discussed what's our best options are. And that's were I'm at. discussing(No, I'm not sitting here talking to myself. :P) I'm thinking, I'm writing, and asking.
What do I think? What do I not think? (Thinking is a hobby for me. Can't decide if that's good or bad!) I agree. With everything. Meeting me walking with crutches in hand is like dodging a bullet! Maybe I'm like Moses, parting the red sea. A walker gives me a ton of stability/support, making it so much more pleasant to walk. (When I asked the SF PT if I could get that stable with crutches, she thought not, because of the spasticity and tone in me. I'm a spaz with bad tone! ) I enjoy looking up when I walk, instead of looking at shoes that are worn out in the toe because I drag them. Maybe if I get really good, I can get shoes that look good beyond two days of wearing them! Then I'll want to stare at my shoes:) I love being able to talk while I walk. Another dear friend of mine acts as if she needs to perform CPR on me every time we walk somewhere beyond 10 feet! It's not so real to me yet, but I'm realizing that I probably am wearing out my knees and hips. I don't feel like having those replaced anytime soon. Perhaps I don't need a wheelchair when I go in trips if I use a walker. I owe my incredibly precious cuz for so much, including all those wheelchair rides. I think of the countless people who've given me the 'chicken wings' (arms) to hold on to. Probably the biggest reason I am taking this decision so heavily is that I've felt better in the past 5 months or so then I have in a long while. And this 'new' old discovery has only made everything brighter.
Isn't that kinda like life? We're so eager to get rid of the things that 'weigh' us down. At least I am. A year ago, even, I would've never entertained the idea of a walker, much less write about it! However, this is teaching me that I need to be a bit more realistic. And while this is quite a breakthrough for me, I still have a lonnnnnng way to go. I'm reminded of my dad's response to my excitement of my discorvery: "Well, I've always wondered why you thought you needed to quite using them." Or my big sis, who encouraged me to take them. And mom, whose been right there, even when I did everything to push her away.
I'm humbled by the people in my life who've accepted me for who I am. Even before I accepted me for me. What's that saying...........something about no one can accept you for you until you accept you for you. Well, I apologize to whoever came up with that quote(and for not quoting it correctly........I'll find it), but at 4am I'm going to have to disagree. I don't think I accepted myself until just recently. In fact, I feel like a big fat imposter for those people who thought/think I was something worth admiring. Because, really, none of us are worth anything without the Grace and Love of Jesus Christ. That's it.
The song, “Grace Like Rain” is playing right now. I sat and just listened to the words.
Grace Like Rain – Todd Agnew
Amazing grace, how sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like meI once was lost but now I'm foundWas blind but now I see so clearly
Chorus:Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on meHallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fearAnd grace my fears relievedHow precious did that grace appearThe hour I first believed
Chorus
When we've been there ten thousand yearsBright shining as the sunWe've no less days to sing Your praiseThan when we first begun
Wow, that totally turned out different then I expected!
Life’s a journey!
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